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Every Barry Bonds Splash Hit ranked, Part 2

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For America

No, Barry. We tip our caps to YOU.
No, Barry. We tip our caps to YOU.
Lisa Blumenfeld/Getty Images

On Tuesday, I showed you 18 of the baseballs that Barry Bonds hit on the fly into San Francisco Bay in fair territory. The reason I did this was that it was possible and no one else had and, man, this is how governments get overthrown. When we have the technology to do such good in the world, it is a moral imperative to use it.

Here are the rest of Barry Bonds's Splash Hits.

17. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #3: Against Heathcliff Slocumb, 5/10/00

The right fielder here is Eric Davis, and he doesn't move an inch. He knows. That's fun. This was Barry's second splash hit of the day. Also fun! But the most fun: this was the winning run in a 4-3 win against the Cardinals! Suck it, Cardinals.

There's no footage of where the ball landed, either because the game wasn't on TV that day or, perhaps, because it never did.

16. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #29: Against Ben Ford, 4/13/04

A short story:

"Hello, Mr. Bonds, my name is Slider. How are you?"
"Fine."
"Great! This sure seems like a nice part of town."
"Yeah."
"Is it okay if I just spend all day hanging here?"
A devious grin snakes its way across Barry's face.
"Yeah...yeah, why don't you do that?"

Also, the slider was an Al-Qaeda spy.

15. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #27: Against Doug Davis, 9/13/03

Here's how good this homer was: Joe Angel couldn't help but make a great call on it. Home run calls don't get any better than "HE SWINGS AND HITS A HOME RUN" if that line is delivered immediately and is finished before the ball is even over the fence. In my opinion, that's the true measure of Barry Bonds's greatness: he could even inspire Joe Angel to be great.

14. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #6: Against Steve Parris, 9/20/00

The actual home run was just okay – it wasn't that big of a situation, and it didn't go that far – but this shoots up the rankings on the basis of the baller-ass move of Barry giving his bat to John McEnroe. A+ trolling there, Barry. I love it.

13. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #4: Against Mike Thurman, 5/24/00

This was pretty. I'm a sucker for the big, majestic dingers, and this one certainly counts. And it landed way out there. Wayyy out there. Pretty sure Barry Bonds was good, y'all.

12. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #32: Against Hong-Chih Kuo, 9/18/05

Five years later, Hong-Chih Kuo was so nasty that he made the All-Star team. In 2005, however, he thought he could throw a fastball past Barry Bonds. Barry Bonds, who had spent several months on the DL because he had a bad knee and a couple more because Jason Christiansen was an idiot. Barry Bonds, who almost certainly hadn't seen 95 high and in from a lefty in a long time. Barry Bonds, who was still Barry Bonds.

Did I mention it was against the Dodgers, by the way? Because it was against the Dodgers. Makes me all tingly.

11. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #35: Against Tim Redding, 8/8/07

Not only was this the last dinger that Barry ever dingered into the bay, but it, amazingly enough, set the all-time home run record. Sure, Barry had also set the record the night before with home run number 756, but this, home run number 757, set the home run record of 757 home runs which would be broken two days later when Barry Bonds set the new record of 758 home runs. Barry also walked once in the game, setting an all-time record for walks that he would also break two days later.

This is also a very good home run and it landed way out there in the bay, and it was fun to watch. I wouldn't trade the three World Series titles since he left for anything (other than, I guess, four or more World Series titles), but, man, do I miss watching Barry Bonds smack dingers.

10. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #1: Against Rich Rodriguez, 5/1/00

In the 6th inning of a 6-0 game, Barry Bonds hit a home run into water to make it a 9-0 game. He didn't even hit it that far into the water!

But it was the first one, so it's being artificially propelled up in the rankings. Also, it was against Rich Rodriguez, who I thought was one of the best pitchers on the Giants in 1997 because I didn't understand what LOOGYs or FIP (or, I guess to use period-specific terms, DIPS) were.

9. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #24: Against Ted Lilly, 6/27/03

It's better when you know he got all of it. That ball couldn't have been any more hit if it was a #1 record being punched by an assassin as it pressed a button at the center of a bullseye. Farewell, ball. I don't know what you are now, buddy, but you used to be a baseball.

8. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #15: Against Chuck McElroy, 9/29/01

You know when I said line drive homers didn't look that good? I take it back. This is nice. You can see the velocity on the ball, you can see the power in the swing, you can see the Bondsness of it all . . . it's nice. Then you add in that this homer was responsible for the game-winning run, and it ranks very nicely.

Also, this was Barry's 69th homer of 2001.

7. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #22: Against Wade Miller, 4/14/03

That slow zoom on Jeff Kent's face. THAT SLOW ZOOM ON JEFF KENT'S FACE. That bumped this up at least 8 spots. Maybe more. I can't think rationally about this. I'm too giddy. I'm gonna watch Astros Jeff Kent be sad some more.

6. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #13: Against Ricky Bones, 8/14/01

Grand slams get extra points, you know. They just do. It's an immutable fact.

5. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #28: Against Matt Kinney, 4/12/04

The thing about throwing your entire body into a swing is that sometimes you miss. Well, you, personally, would probably miss all the time, but you're not a professional baseball player. But the pros miss a lot too. (See: entire career of Crespo, Felipe)

However, when you make contact, it's a wonderful thing. (See: 2 Splash Hits from Crespo, Felipe.) That's what happened here, and it's fantastic. Then, when you throw in that this was a 3-run homer in a game the Giants won by 2, and that it tied Willie Mays on the all-time list . . . yeah, it's a good one.

4. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #26: Against Ray King, 8/19/03

Y'all wanna watch Barry Bonds hit a walk-off dinger into the water against the Braves?

Come with me
And you'll be
In a world of
Pure imagination
Take a look
And you'll see
Into your imagination

DAMN STRAIGHT

3. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #8: Against Chan Ho Park, 4/18/01

Look at where it went out. LOOK AT WHERE IT WENT OUT. To just hit the ball into the first row of the stands there is a ridiculous accomplishment, and Barry was all "No, that's for squares, I'm gonna hit it over all the stuff and way, way out into the water because I can and I'm awesome."

Also, Barry Bonds homered into the water for the winning run against the Dodgers for the second straight night. That's it. That sentence is my everything.

2. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #21: Against Chuck Finley, 10/12/02

It was a three-run homer into the water, to tie the game, against the CARDINALS, IN THE PLAYOFFS. This is the only playoff splash hit, unless you count ones hit by other teams, which I emphatically do not. And look at that bat flip! I don't know how the bat flips keep escaping my memory. They're great, and he was great, and of course he did them. After all, he's Barry Goddamn Bonds and you're not.

1. Barry Bonds Splash Hit #7: Against Terry Adams, 4/17/01

It turned a 2-1 Dodgers lead into a 3-2 Giants lead. It went into the water. It was his 500TH DANG HOME RUN. It was the world's most perfect moment, and we are all witnesses. The world is a just and wonderful place, and in times like this, we all share in its majesty.

Thanks you, Barry. Thank you.