San Francisco Giants Link Dump, 4/7

I wanted to link the Newsradio "Baseball's back!" promo, but it's been scrubbed from Youtube. Life is a sham.

How Buster Posey Prepared for Opening Day
Before the season started, Buster Posey briefly talked with GQ about his offseason exercise regimen. If you're not a big gym person and you're on the fence about reading this article, I just want to let you know that it includes the phrase "He's an ass man." So if there's some joke there that appeals to you, and I'll admit that I sure can't think of one, perhaps you should click over for a few moments to show your gratitude.

MLB scouts break down Padres, West teams
As Spring Training came to a close, a group of scouts (technically called a "strawhat" of scouts) all talked to the U-T San Diego newspaper about their impressions of the NL West. Though several players on the Giants were singled out for praise (Brandon Belt, Andrew Susac, Steven Okert), the team and most of the veterans didn't leave the scouts with good impressions. But, like, I mean, what do they even know? They're just being judgmental, like they're better than us or something. Pure elitism if you ask me.

Evaluating the Prospects: San Francisco Giants
Now that the regular season has started, let's all start thinking about the minors, since the only thing more interesting than the players currently in the majors for the Giants is players who might someday be in the majors for the Giants. And so we have prospect rankings over which we can argue and fret, point out niggling inaccuracies (Mejia WON'T be in AAA after he comes back and don't YOU look stupid!), and just generally accept the positive judgments and disregard the negative ones as the fever dreams of haters.

All this is to say: every player in the Giants system will hit 30 home runs in the majors someday. Even the pitchers. Especially the pitchers.

No Runs, No Hits, New Era: Baseball Ponders Legal Ways to Increase Offense
Baseball's been studying this for a while, and while I've been hoping that they'd pay me to help them with this problem, it would appear that they've managed to hold out. Nevertheless, with my bluff called, I will still give them my advice on contingency for the sake of The Game. Here's how I think baseball should create more offense: Shut up. Just shut up and go sit in your office and do something else. Don't think about it, don't talk about it, don't complain about it,  and don't be the idiot who thinks that there should be rule changes to increase offense. Just go sit down somewhere, have some coffee, maybe read a book, and this nonexistent non-problem will be taken care of. My fee is forty thousand dollars.

11 outrageous ballpark foods that might kill you this season
It's time for another season of baseball, and more importantly, another season of awful, awful foods that could give you a heart attack just by thinking about them. The worst part is that several of these look delicious to me. This is because I am a disgusting person whose culinary opinions should be disregarded at every turn.