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Madison Bumgarner doesn't think much of Alex Guerrero

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Ooooh, he mad. Let's check in with the unwritten rules.

Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports

Madison Bumgarner seems like a cow-buying sweetheart most of the time. Simple, humble, witty. And then there's this three-hour stretch every five days when he wants the damned kids to turn down their damned music and pull their damned pants up.

This is one of those times:

Deadspin helpfully points out through their lip-reading expertise that Bumgarner said, "You're not that fucking good, man. You're not that fucking good," apparently taking offense to Guerrero pirouetting as if he just missed a 450-foot homer.

One of my self-appointed specialties is grading unwritten rules. This falls under that jurisdiction. What we have here is a Dodgers player acting like he should have crushed a pitch that wasn't exactly down the middle, but one that he did just miss. We have some truths, here:

Truth #1: Madison Bumgarner would get mad at you if you chewed your gum in 3/4 instead of 4/4

He has no patience for fancy time signatures, and you're not Buddy Miles, so chew your gum the right way, or he'll move your jaw for you.

Truth #2: Alex Guerrero probably isn't that fucking good

He might be very good for a long time. He probably isn't going to hit .440 for his career, though. He probably isn't going to hit a home run every five at-bats and end up with 840 career home runs in seven years. He will miss pitches that were fatter than Bumgarner's. He will miss a lot of them, and he won't need to express that kind of frustration with all of them.

Truth #3: Madison Bumgarner could probably stand to have a couple of drinks when he's working, like one of those ad execs in Mad Men

Don't romanticize it. From what I can tell, they're drinking Seagram's most of the time because that's the kind of crap they had available to them back in the '60s. But just something to take the edge off, and then maybe Bumgarner wouldn't be so surly.

Unless Bumgarner is a mean drunk, in which case he should definitely have a couple of drinks when he's working.

Truth #4: If you don't like how players react when you get them out, you should probably keep getting them out

Keep getting them out and chuckle quietly to yourself. There are so many bat flips in this world, so many actual slights. You don't need to look for perceived slights. It's a long season. Your blood pressure, Madison. Think about your blood pressure.

I'm caught between being an unabashed lover of bat flips and ostentatious displays of baseball mirth and an unabashed lover of how Madison Bumgarner plays baseball. Oh, how I wish this weren't the case. Or maybe it's an appreciation of the contrast that makes it even better.

Bumgarner doesn't suffer fools lightly. Another way to say that is that he is a Grade-A redass, probably the red-assiest player we've seen since Jeff Kent. It makes me roll my eyes. It makes me smile. Remember how boring Giants baseball used to be after Barry Bonds retired? As long as this guy is with the GIants, I think we'll be just fine in the entertainment department.