Early season stats for the 2015 Giants

April stats will murder you in your sleep, but at least they're fun. Not all of the stats are useless! The first one isn't, for example. Most of them, though, are things that can change after a hot week or two.

Still, there's only so much to talk about until Angel Pagan throws his gum at someone. As long as you can swallow the nectar of small samples and know that you're ingesting nothing but empty sugar, we'll be fine. Here are some early season stats for the Giants

Tim Lincecum has the third-slowest fastball in the National League

Tim Hudson makes an appearance, too. The bottom five fastballs, in order:

1. Josh Collmenter
2. Dan Haren
3. Tim Lincecum
4. Tim Hudson
5. Jerome Williams

Strong Giants ties, there. Collmenter throws over the top like a freak, so he almost doesn't count. Dan Haren and Lincecum were both bitten by the same beetle, and the other two

The Giants, on average, throw the slowest fastball in the National League

Unless they throw the fastest slowball. Don't be a glass-half-empty sort.

This probably isn't something that's going to chance for a while. Kyle Crick is a long way from the majors, and the prospects even close to making a spot start are softish-tossers like Ty Blach and Clayton Blackburn. Until Ray Black and Hunter Strickland hold down bullpen spots at the same time, the Giants will be more Livan Hernandez than we want to admit.

The Giants are playing the longest games in the NL

They've played a majority of their games in Petco Park and AT&T Park. They can't string hits or rallies together. They're still the most tedious team in the NL. Luckily, they have company. The top five slowest teams are the Giants, Dodgers, Padres, Rockies, and Diamondbacks. They're all the only teams other than the Cubs to have an average game length over three hours.

Is this a fluke? I hope so.

/Bochy brings in a lefty

It's sort of odd to have such a low-scoring team take so long to play games.

/Bochy brings in a rightie

It could just be one of those fluky things.

/Bochy brings in Pat Venditte

We'll apparently see if the trend holds.

/Play stops as Venditte nervously explains that he's not on the team

Giants pitchers are keeping leadoff hitters off the bases

The first batter of every inning against the Giants: 12-for-61 with three walks. That's good! It adds up to a .197 average, .246 on-base percentage, and a .295 slugging percentage. They're turning every hitter into last year's Juan Perez to start the inning off. That's good! That's really good! For the pitchers. Not last year's Juan Perez.

Then when there are two outs, they're all lol

Teams have a .467 slugging percentage (11 doubles, three triples, six homers in 169 at-bats) against he Giants when there are two outs. That's more than 100 points higher than their marks with none or one out.

Buster Posey can still frame a mean pitch

He's already saved two runs with his framing, according to the above metric. Hector Sanchez is a tick below average, as is Andrew Susac in a third of the innings.

The important thing is probably that Russell Martin is dead last. Enjoy that contract, Toronto.

The Giants haven't scored three runs in an inning yet. Opponents have scored three runs in nine different innings

The Giants have had a four-run inning, don't read that stat wrong. We're talking about exactly three-run innings. They're being out three-runned by a ratio of 9:0. If you make the stat "innings with three runs or more," they're behind by a ratio of 10:1.

The real question is if the Giants will hit a three-run homer at all this month, much less score three runs in an inning. The last time the Giants opened a season without a three-run dinger was 1990, and they've only had four Aprils without one in the last 57 seasons.

The Giants are undefeated when they lead after five innings

Don't forget, we still have the crushing bullpen losses to deal with! They happen for every team, every year. Steel yourself now for the crushing, inevitable feeling.

Casey McGehee is wearing the most transient uniform number on the team

This isn't really a stat, but it's worth noting. McGehee is wearing #14. Here are the last five players to wear #14:

• Brandon Hicks
• Guillermo Quiroz
• Francisco Peguero
• Mike Fontenot
• Fred Lewis

Lewis actually wore the number for three years, but he interrupted a transient string that featured names like Tony Torcato, Chad Santos, Jeff Fassero, and Jeff Juden. The weird thing about this number is that Vida Blue and Atlee Hammaker dominated it from 1978 through 1990. They were even traded for each other, and the number remained pure.

Also worth noting: 14 was Willie Mays's number in his rookie season. He knew he needed to ditch it, apparently. That's why he's the best.

Casey McGehee has six hits and four double plays

That one's a stat, alright.

Casey McGehee is hitting the ball on the ground 68 percent of the time

Also a stat.

Casey McGehee has hit a line drive just 7 percent of the time

Seems high.

Casey McGee has hit into four double plays in nine games, and he needs to average just one every six games for the rest of the season to set a franchise record. You know how this is going to end, you just know

STOP IT.

The Giants are undefeated in their last one games

Keep it up, fellas! Keep it up.