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Giants tie Dodgers, 5-5

It's like kissing your sist ... wait, it's absolutely nothing like that, what a weird saying.

Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports

When the Giants beat the Dodgers, whales dance on the surface of the ocean. Birds play the mandolin when you walk down the street, and the moon winks at you. It's the best.

When the Giants lose to the Dodgers, your day or night is ruined. Cartoonish puffs of black smoke shoot out from above your head and you have this weird feeling in your mouth, like you just took out a cat tail that had been there for three hours. It's the opposite of the best, but it's this contrast that makes you aware of how you define the best in the first place. It's a necessary evil.

When the Giants tie the Dodgers, you don't know what to do. Is the absence of Dodgers success the same thing as a win? Is the absence of Giants success the same thing as a loss? Where's everyone going? Get back on the field, you fools, I need to know how to feel. The Avengers don't just stop chasing Dr. Doom in the middle of the movie because it's been two hours. They don't have spring training at all. That would be awful.

Lot of changes out there, so we'll give them to you. U.S. Agent is replacing Hulk, and he'll be in the cleanup spot. Stingray is in for Captain America, and Rage is in for Thor. Dr. Doom is out, too, and he's been replaced with a toddler kicking the back of an airplane seat.

I guess it's not a loss? Seems even worse than a loss, somehow. The five most important takeaways from Monday's game:

1. Matt Cain pitched
2. Matt Cain pitched
3. Matt Cain pitched
4. Matt Cain pitched
5. Matt Cain pitched

Everything else is secondary. Cain pitched, he pitched well, and everything is right with the world. Other than the Dodgers and Giants tying. That part of the world is really messed up.