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How to resolve the Dodgers' TV situation

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Have they tried throwing money at it?

These fireworks are celebrating all my good ideas
These fireworks are celebrating all my good ideas
Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

The Dodgers, as you may have heard, are in a bit of a pickle* when it comes to their TV rights. What happened is this: They got paid a lot of money by Time Warner Cable to make Sportsnet the exclusive carrier of Dodgers games. Other cable services in the LA area, like DirecTV, refuse to pay the fees to carry that channel, which means that about 70% of people in the LA area can't watch the Dodgers.

*baseball/food term

Perhaps you, as a Giants fan, think this is funny. And you're right! It is funny. The Dodgers, whose recent success is built on having way more financial resources than anyone in the league, have have acquired some of those resources by ensuring their fans can't actually watch the team. Hilarious. Ironic. Article over. Let's all talk about lunch.

Or not. Because to me, that takes some of the fun out of it. When I think about Clayton Kershaw's spectacular year last year, the many Dodgers fans who couldn't watch it make me sad. When I think about Yasiel Puig's amazing talent, or Adrian Gonzalez's consistency, or Greinke's weirdness, I wish that Dodger fans would have been able to watch them all year. Because that would have made it hurt so, so much more when they lost in the playoffs.

So how can the Dodgers fix the situation so that their fans can watch them on TV this year? Let's brainstorm.

Buy Time Warner Cable

The root cause of this problem is that Time Warner cable is asking for lots and lots of money from other cable providers to carry the network that broadcasts Dodgers games. So why even bother negotiating with them or politely asking them to be nice when you can just buy them? And don't give me that "The Dodgers don't have enough money to buy Time Warner Cable" crap; the Dodgers make Croesus look like Diogenes, so . . . no? Do you need my references to stay within the last couple millennia? Ugh, fine, the Dodgers make Tywin Lannister look like Tom Joad, or Scrooge McDuck look like Rickety Cricket. Since their financial resources are unlimited, and we know they are since sportswriters tell us so, it wouldn't be any kind of a stretch at all for them to buy Time Warner. Problem solved!

Buy the FCC

This is perhaps more feasible than the first idea, as Time Warner is owned by people who make lots of money, enjoy making lots of money, and are presumably unwilling to give up on boatloads of future money for money today. The FCC, however, is staffed by bureaucrats who have large amounts of power and relatively low salaries, so it's a perfect target for the Dodgers. Once they have the FCC under control, all they have to do is rubber stamp the Time Warner-Comcast merger and the DirecTV-AT&T one, force Time Warner to make a deal, and then watch the ratings roll in. Or, I dunno, get reported in the local entertainment press instead of rolling. There aren't really any good metaphors for waiting to see a bunch of numbers.

Bring back Brian Wilson and make sure he throws a lot of high leverage innings

I don't remember how that would help solve the problem, but it's in my notes, so I'm sure the Dodgers should do it.

Buy the moon

I know what you're thinking: "How could that help?" Think about it. If Earthbound solutions don't work out, what else is there? Space. There is technically no law that prevents the Dodgers from projecting their games onto the face of the moon for everyone to see. Now, maybe the threat of this would be more effective than the actual thing, but if you're the Dodgers, you have to be prepared to see it through. That's called playing hardball*

*baseball term

However, there are several problems with this approach: the moon isn't always in the sky when the Dodgers are playing, you can't always see the moon or the full moon, and the moon is, to be honest, fairly small to the naked eye when viewed from Earth. But there is one solution that takes care of all those problems!

Build a Death Star

To be honest, they're probably working on one right now. Think about it: they can keep it in geosynchronous orbit wherever they'd like, they can move it closer to the Earth so that the screen is larger, and it is an intimidating symbol that can be used to destroy the world if Puig's having a bad day. Plus, it would bring Bryan's dilemma about whether the Giants should even try to win a game into a whole new light. What if the Giants winning another World Series would literally end humanity? Food for thought!

Well, those are all my ideas. You're welcome for the help, Dodgers. Just throw me some credit for whichever one you use.