Ranking the 2015 SF Giants commercials

The new Giants commercials are here! It's not exactly Christmas for Giants fans, don't get me wrong. But on December 25, there are times I look back and think, "Man, this was just like when the Giants release their commercials."

There are two kinds of Giants commercials: the slick, often sentimental ones that look pretty and the dumb ones that are supposed to make you laugh. The dumb ones are my personal favorites, but the slick ones tend to include glitzy, slow-motion shots of Giants players and Giants baseball and the Giants winning things, so they hold a special shot in my heart.

We'll separate them, then, ranking the silly ones first, then the slick ones.

Best in show, goofy: Self-help tape

I didn't know if some 10cc was going to come through the headphones, Guardians of the Galaxy-style, but this was even better. I would buy that tape. Then I would buy a Walkman on eBay just to play that tape. How much can you get a Sports Walkman for these days? Looks like about $20, and that's including the MEGA BASS option, thanks for asking.

I'll bet Posey could make a 90-minute tape like that, start telling you to shoplift packs of lunch meat for him around the 74th minute, and you would do it without even realizing what happened.

Honorable mention: We always look good

The Brandons being idiots together is always a great idea. This premise is solid and executed well, and we're left with a great GIF ...

And some meme-worthy still shots.

Honorable mention: Staying humble

You wonder where this one is going, and then DING: Pure arrogance.

Yup. That's how you react to three of those things in five years. There's no sense being shy. It's not like it's going to happen again.

Bullpen session

We got a preview of this already, and it featured Buster Face.

Good concept, well-executed. Solid commercial. We'll see what you think about it in August.

Role reversal

The real takeaway here from all of these is that Bochy needs to go into Hollywood after all this. He's a latter-day Fred Thompson, serious and silly in all the right ways.

Joe Panik can't act, but as long as he hits .300, we're cool.

Tractor

My least-favorite of the silly bunch, but at least you get a decent GIF out of it.

★★★

Best in show, serious: Madison does it all

WELL, I FIX IT

AND HE SAYS: "WELL, I FIX IT."

Honorable mention: Opening Day

The best part about this? It has a short shelf-life. It's sentimental about something you're supposed to be sentimental about, and it won't be run into the ground.

Buster's backyard

I would listen to Buster Posey talk about Kate and Allie for six hours, so you're damned straight I'll listen to him talk about him playing baseball as a kid.

Play at home

Gregor looking dapper. That's my main takeaway from this one. That and Matt Cain and Buster Posey being really, really, really excited about nachos.

"HEY, THOSE NACHOS LOOK FUN."

"THEY ARE, TOO BAD THEY'RE NOT-CHOS, LOL"

Hunter's San Francisco

Shorter version: Giants fans are all jerks unless you're on their side. So we're the A.J. Pierzynski of fans? That doesn't seem right ...

Bochy's San Francisco

The header under the MLB.com video is "Nobody knows the soul of this city or its baseball team like manager Bruce Bochy." Let's break that down.

Nobody knows the soul of this (city's) baseball team like manager Bruce Bochy

True.

Nobody knows the soul of this city ... like manager Bruce Bochy

Probably false. Unless he's ever been at a bustling Chinatown restaurant using his Squabdad (BETA) app to send a two-second video review of the place to a group of friends on their way to the Folsom Street Fair, there's probably stuff he can learn about the soul of this city. Does the city even have a soul? I don't know, I'm East Bay now. You people are strange and unusual to me.

Bullpen brothers

Eep, war metaphors for sports turn me off. Winning the third World Series probably wasn't like storming the beaches at Normandy. That's just a guess, but it's an educated one. I get the idea of spending a ton of time with your co-workers and feeling close to them, though. That's all he was getting at, and I think we can all relate.

The commercial does allow me to share one of my favorite lifehacks, though: If David Schwimmer offers you spaghetti, you should not accept.

You can vote on your favorite here. I'm not going to suggest that you vote for any specific one, but I am going to sit here and say "WELL, I FIX IT" over and over and over again for the next couple hours.