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Predicting the Giants' season with historical events

A legitimate use of everyone's time.

What kind of year will Casey McGehee have? Turn to history.
What kind of year will Casey McGehee have? Turn to history.
Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports

It's hard to predict what happens in a baseball season. This is the time of year when you'll read all sorts of predictions about who wins MVPs and pennants, but none of it means anything. Why? Because people are looking at the future the wrong way. You shouldn't look at it using baseball facts and baseball history. You should look at it using divination.

Wikipedia says that "Divination can be seen as a systematic method with which to organize what appear to be disjointed, random facets of existence such that they provide insight into a problem at hand." Now, "scientists" say that divination is "fraudulent" and "stupid" and "superstition," but they also insisted that you couldn't make a blanket with arm holes. Violated eight different laws of physics, they said. So why trust them at all? Checkmate.

Here now is an exhaustive look at the 2015 Giants season, using as a reference notable events that have happened throughout history.

March 22 and 24
The 22nd and 24th of March are the 250th anniversaries of, respectively, the Stamp Act and Quartering Act passed by England in 1765. These were some of the first indignities that led the American colonists to revolt against Britain. What does this mean for the 2015 Giants? A lot, obviously, which is why I'm writing a whole article about it. These will be the days that plant the seeds of some future problem. For example, maybe Casey McGehee pulls a quad, which doesn't seem like much, but has a domino effect, and soon, everything will go to ruin.

March 26
25th anniversary of Driving Miss Daisy winning Best Picture over Born on the Fourth of July, Dead Poets Society, Field of Dreams, and My Left Foot. Obviously, this means that on this day it will be announced that Hector Sanchez wins the backup catcher job over Andrew Susac. There just . . . there was a better option, you know?

I don't know who represents Do the Right Thing in this scenario, but he's someone who isn't even an option to make the roster. JACKS????

April 4
40 years ago today, Microsoft was founded. This means that over the course of the season, the Giants will grow into something that isn't terrible, but is hated by legions of people who think that the 2010 team and 2012 team and 2014 team were perfectly good and why'd the Giants have to even make changes anyway? Why mess with a thing people liked? It makes no damn sense. Just do the thing that was pretty good. Don't go taking away the Start Menu/Tim Lincecum's talent.

April 25
The 100 year anniversary of the beginning of the Gallipoli campaign. Gallipoli was a battle during World War 1 in which a lot of people died for no reason. I guess I could have ended that sentence after "World War 1."

On this day, the Giants will make a trade that turns out disastrously for both teams, perhaps because of Casey McGehee's strained quad. The first target to come to mind is A-Rod, but the Giants won't give enough up for him for this to be truly catastrophic. No, I think we're looking at a Todd Frazier deal. Todd Frazier for Kyle Crick, Adalberto Mejia, Keury Mella, and Matt Duffy. Frazier will be awful for the Giants, Mejia and Mella will get hurt, Crick won't ever find the strike zone, and the Reds will flip Duffy to the Indians for a mediocre prospect, at which point he'll become a superstar, or whatever the Cleveland equivalent is of a superstar. It'll be an utter disaster for everyone, and with hindsight, foresight, and regular sight, people will wonder just what the hell the Giants were thinking.

And then they'll lose the day's game to the Rockies.

May 10
On May 10, 1940, the Battle of France started. France lost badly, with Vichy France signing an armistice on June 24 after about a month and a half of fighting. This will be the decline period of the Giants' season. You might remember it last year as June and July, but this time it'll be a little shorter. Unless, of course, something else goes horribly wrong . . .

June 1
Dante Aligheri turns 750! You might think the Giants would celebrate by going to LA, as descending into the depths of Chavez Ravine is clearly equivalent to Dante's trip through hell. However, as Dante also traveled to Purgatory and Heaven, it makes sense that the Giants would play in their heavenly park in San Francisco.

I don't know what will happen in this game, but I do know that, since no one pays attention to any part of the Divine Comedy other than the Inferno, this will be a sparsely attended game that breaks the sellout streak. Sorry, Baer. Shoulda shit talked some more people you have a grudge against.

June 18
The 200th anniversary of Waterloo. What calamity does this portend? Will Brandon Belt retire to take that film critic job with the Des Moines Register? Will Madison Bumgarner break his arm while wrestling a pterodactyl? Worst of all, will Buster Posey reveal himself to be a secret 49er? There's no telling, but whatever it is, God help us. God help us all.

July 1
The 25th anniversary of German unification! Pablo Sandoval will make some relatively kind statements in the press about the Giants. The Giants will continue ignoring his dickishness. Unity!

August 20
The first Iran-Contra arms sale turns 30! Aw, they grow up so fast. In any event, the Dodgers will sell Dodger Dogs to ISIS in exchange for money that goes to people in the Dominican Republic sabotaging the reputation of the Giants' academy.

If you're wondering why this is about the Dodgers and not the Giants, it's because I refuse to put the Giants on the same side as Metaphorical Reagan. I won't do it. I won't.

September 1

September 13
The first Super Mario Bros game will turn 30! Consequently, Gregor Blanco will get injured trying to spit fire after eating a glowing flower, Jake Peavy will get sick after eating a green mushroom and insisting it's healthy, and Jeremy Affeldt will develop a disturbing addiction to collecting gold coins that gets him injured when he walks into a turtle. Meanwhile, Hunter Pence will put on a raccoon suit and achieve his lifelong dream of learning how to turn himself into a statue at will.

September 26
This will mark 10 years since Lynndie England was convicted of conspiracy, mistreating detainees, and committing an indecent act for her role in the Abu Ghraib scandal. Fortunately, this mistreatment was an isolated incident, never to be repeated by anyone associated with the US government. What does this mean? Someone will be caught using steroids. I'm gonna say . . . Alex Sanchez. The Giants re-sign Alex Sanchez and he gets caught using steroids again. Some people never learn!

September 27
The 50th anniversary of the death of Clara Bow. Clara Bow is known for being the original It Girl, a title passed down to generations of actresses who would go on to flame out within three years, and also Jennifer Lawrence. Rootin' for ya, J-Law!

Obviously, this means that the team anointed as the favorite to win the World Series earlier in the year will flame out, and this will be the day they clinch missing the playoffs. Will that team be the Dodgers? Sure, why not? Suck it, Dodgers.

October 11
The first episode of Saturday Night Live aired on October 11, 1975. If the Giants are in the playoffs at this point, presumably they'll start off well, be bad for a long while, have a brief renaissance, be bad again, be good for a while, be bad for a short time, be good again, return to being bad, then be good, then be bad, and I don't know how SNL's doing this year because I'm not watching.

Man, that's gonna be a hell of a playoff series.

November 3
It's my 30th birthday! Way to go, me! I'm sure that it'll be a good OH GOD I'M GONNA BE 30 THIS YEAR I'VE DONE NOTHING WITH MY LIFE NOTHING

December 8
Eli Whitney turns 250! And just like he birthed the cotton gin, the Giants will give birth to a big contract for David Price. Wow! What a year!