Barry Bonds is set to be a co-hitting coach for the Marlins, and like most of you, I'm mad about it for some reason. Sure, the Giants didn't have a place for him on the major league staff, and sure, I think he should be allowed to work with whoever he needs to work with in baseball, but it just doesn't sit right. Never forget 1997, people. Or 2003. Or the multiple fire sales of World Series winning teams. Or them signing a bunch of big free agents and then immediately trading them all. Or Jeffrey Loria's stupid fat ugly face. All of these and more are good reasons to hate the Marlins.
But why be bitter that the Marlins hired Bonds? I've long been irritated that no major league team would give Bonds a job in baseball, and now he gets to have a job in baseball after being hired by a major league team. Sure, it would be nice for him to work for the Giants (REMEMBER HOW HE TURNED BRANDON CRAWFORD INTO AN ALL-STAR HE COULD DO THAT FOR JARRETT PARKER TOO), but they already have an excellent hitting coach in Hensley Meulens. Yes, Bonds could take Steve Decker's assistant position (in an off-Broadway role originated by Joe Lefebvre), but, well, I don't have an ending to that sentence that makes it seems like a bad idea. I would have liked that.
Now that I've figured out why I'm bitter, let me revel in it. To celebrate his new position, here are a bunch of highlights of Barry Bonds hitting home runs against the Marlins.
This was a good dinger.
This was Barry's 300th homer! Would this be the last round number he hit? Maybe! I can't remember.
This was Barry's 400th homer. Okay, this was, for sure, the last big round number he ever hit.
Take that, Marlins. You're...aw, you know what? Y'all don't want me here you just wanna watch dingers.
Suck it, Marlins. I hope everything's terrible for you forever, except for your new co-hitting coach, who will turn Giancarlo Stanton into even more of an unstoppable dinger god before Loria alienates him with frequent casual mentions of how Barry missed his calling as a caterer and hey, wouldn't you know it, no one's put out the clubhouse spread yet. And when you trade Barry for three cheaper minor league hitting coaches, I hope you trade him back to the Giants.