The Internet has Opinions on cats. Did you know this? Yes, you knew this. Giants third baseman Matt Duffy has a cat named Skeeter. You also knew this. On Christmas, Claire McNear of SB Nation wrote an article compiling several Skeeter-related tidbits, because Skeeter, being quite large, is especially interesting for a cat.
There were comments on this article.
The comments were very bad.
Let's look at these very bad comments, and consider them examples of the Internettiest kinds of comments.
1. The easy joke
This is by far the least offensive of the top-level comments. It is just a silly, topical joke. It is very lazy, but that's fine. We're not making art here.
This person registered on SB Nation just to make this comment.
2. The unintentional absurdist
Oh yes. Oh, yes.
First, we have grade-A prime concern trolling. Then there is the medical expertise. Then, there is the cure for what ails Skeeter, brought to you, again, by this person who definitely has medical expertise. In that cure, our intrepid commenter (OIC) uses the wrong "your," which is simply magical. In the next sentence, "your" is misused again, and that's not even the highlight. the highlight is obviously "this cat's so called human," which, what? Does overfeeding a cat make you not human now? How does...oh, Internet, you delightful scamp. You flummox me so good.
Enough addressing of the entire Internet, because we're not even halfway done! Then OIC takes Matt Duffy's dad's threat seriously. The threat that he said in English to a cat. This is incredible. This is pure triple-distilled Internet, and while it burns on the way down, somehow you just can't help yourself. But here comes the true masterpiece: "This story is being forwarded to the proper authorities." Yes. Yesssssss. If there is one area in which it is important to effect change in the world, it is this one. Get that fat cat away from his family. You can do it, commenter. We all believe in you.
I know this is a phrase that's been overused on this site, but there's no other way to say it: They should have sent a poet. They should have sent a dang poet.
OIC also registered on SB Nation solely to make this comment.
3. The factoid
This is all Garfield's fault, you know. Undoubtedly, 100% Garfield's fault. I will tolerate no arguments about this. This person thought "I have a fat orange cat, and this athlete has a fat orange cat, and GARFIELD IS A FAT ORANGE CAT MY GOD IT'S ALL COMING TOGETHER." I also enjoy the person who responded, as if that would help. No, what really helps is writing an article on a different site in which you trash talk people when you know they won't see it. That's the good stuff right there.
It goes without saying, yet I shall say it anyway: this person registered on SB Nation just for this comment.
4. The literal description of the thing you just saw
"That's a thing"
"Right there, a thing."
"Can't help but be a thing."
"I've seen a thing."
"Were you going to contribute something?"
"Just wanted you to know I have eyes."
Did this person register just to make this comment? You know it!
5. The references that are several years out of date
Maybe my stealth favorite. I mean, it's not my actual favorite (that's #2, obviously), but the "Let me explain this to you in terms that sports people will enjoy" is always a highlight. You see, Kung Fu Panda is the nickname for former Giant Pablo Sandoval, who was known for his fluctuating weight. CC Sabathia is also famously larger than one would expect from a professional athlete, so you can see the logic behind connecting Skeeter's weight to theirs. Conversely, Tim Lincecum is famously svelte, so his diet would presumably be a slimming one.
Sure, we've heard more about Lincecum's packing-on-pounds diet (In N Out Animal Style!) than anyone else's, but the point stands. Skeeter should be consuming less food. I'm glad we could all come together to agree on this.
This was the commenter's second comment, which is honestly quite the letdown. The world will break your heart, if you let it.
6. POLITICS, BABY
There is literally no part of this comment that is even remotely related to the subject of the article. But it's trying to seem like it is, which is why all you commenters are much better people than this guy. Much, much better. Better looking too, probably.
This is the clearest example I can imagine of someone finding a topic and saying "AH HA NOW I CAN TALK ABOUT MY THING." There were some bad comments before, but at least they were about a cat, or cats in general, or fat cats, any of which are related to Skeeter. This is not that. This is not that at all. This is an incredibly serious comment on an incredibly serious issue in the comments of a barely tangentially related article. Was this the time? No. Was this the place? No. Was that going to stop our friend? Absolutely not.
That comment was written by someone who has commented hundreds of times on various SB Nation sites. We are all witnesses to greatness. We should feel lucky.