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2015-2016 MLB free agent predictions

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These are all wrong. Come be wrong together.

good joke
good joke
Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports

It's the dawn of the even year. Bobby Evans is in an ape suit, figuring out how to use a blunt object as a weapon. Then he'll throw it into the sky and it will turn into a championship, floating in space. There will be dramatic music. Unless the Giants miss the postseason altogether.

If the Giants are going to get back, they're going to need the help of expensive free agents. The problem is that other teams will want these expensive free agents, making them more expensive. The system is rigged, and it's all going to end with the Giants getting Ian Kennedy somehow.

Your job today is to be wrong. You do it every year. I just wrote 5,000 words about the top 40 free agents, and boy are my arms tired. Here is a selection from that list, with three free agent Giants mixed in:

Zack Greinke -
David Price -
Alex Gordon -
Jason Heyward -
Jordan Zimmermann -
Johnny Cueto -
Justin Upton -
Yoenis Cespedes -
Kenta Maeda -
Chris Davis -
Ben Zobrist -
John Lackey -
Hisashi Iwakuma -
Scott Kazmir -
Howie Kendrick -
Ian Desmond -
Daniel Murphy -
Yovani Gallardo -
Matt Wieters -
Colby Rasmus -
Mike Leake -
Marco Estrada -
Jeff Samardzija -
Doug Fister -
Darren O’Day -
Ah-seop Son -
Byung-ho Park -
Ian Kennedy -
Mat Latos -
Juan Uribe -
Ryan Vogelsong -
Tim Lincecum -
Marlon Byrd -

Alejandro De Aza isn't included because you can't convince me that he was actually on the Giants.

Copy that list into the comments and assign each player a team. Predict where they're going to go. There are no wrong answers other than all of them. Last year there were 25 names. I got three right. Two of them were players staying with their old team, and the third one was Kenta Maeda not getting posted. Three-for-25 gets you benched in baseball. But I'm gonna take this one day at a time, keep my head clear, and just focus on getting back to where I need to be.

You were all dummies, too.

Sergio Romo – Tigers

by CalBear949

Nice guess, dummy. He signed with the Giants and was rad again.

Francisco Liriano – Braves

by DiaDeLosSlapsy

Why would he do that? The Braves are terrible. You were so wrong.

Brandon McCarthy – Giants, 3 years, $36 million

by garbanzo24

He signed with the Dodgers, you fool. The Dodgers. Like I'd want that passive-aggressive weirdo around the clubhouse, anyway.

Yasmany Tomas – Giants

by nostocksjustbonds

Can you imagine? This whole offseason would be about "Will Tomas get better, or is he basically Delmon Young and we're ruined?" Also, that was a lousy prediction.

You're all lousy at this.

This year, though, I'm going to be totally right with all of them.

Zack Greinke - Dodgers
David Price - Rangers
Alex Gordon - Royals
Jason Heyward - Yankees
Jordan Zimmermann - Dodgers
Johnny Cueto - Red Sox
Justin Upton - Tigers
Yoenis Cespedes - Blue Jays
Kenta Maeda - Blue Jays
Chris Davis - Indians
Ben Zobrist - Padres
John Lackey - Cardinals
Hisashi Iwakuma - Mariners
Scott Kazmir - Astros
Howie Kendrick - A's
Ian Desmond - Rays
Daniel Murphy - Mets
Yovani Gallardo - Giants
Matt Wieters - Rangers
Colby Rasmus - Cubs
Mike Leake - Giants
Marco Estrada - Nationals
Jeff Samardzija - Twins
Doug Fister - Cubs
Darren O’Day - Dodgers
Ah-seop Son - Nationals
Byung-ho Park - Mariners
Ian Kennedy - Padres
Mat Latos - Angels
Juan Uribe - Marlins
Ryan Vogelsong - Phillies
Tim Lincecum - Giants
Marlon Byrd - Mets

There. All accurate and eerily prescient. You might as well make your guesses, though. Also, Lincecum's contract will be for one year, $4 million, with a $1 million buyout on a $27 million option. Which isn't like any contract that's ever existed, but ... GOT A FEELIN' ON THAT ONE. Can't fight the feelin'.

Also, at least the Giants pitchers will hit 20 dingers next year.