Holidays! Time to scramble around and buy stuff that has a 90-percent chance of hanging out in a garage until it's sent to the Goodwill. If you don't do this every year, you're basically Friedrich Engels and awful.
It was easy to buy gifts for Giants fans last year.
Them: This is just a paper bag with "Giants 2014 Champs Three In Five Suckers That's What's Up Hell Yeah" written on it.
You: I know.
Them: I love it!
This year takes a little more finesse. A little more work. We can help with that. This isn't a definitive San Francisco Giants gift guide, but this is certainly a San Francisco Giants gift guide. Buy these things, and help America's economy grow. That way, we can buy more things.
Abstract logo art
Ayup, that's pretty. Look close.
It's officially licensed, so you won't have the ATF busting down your door. These are what are hanging in the MLB offices in New York, so you can get your own and pretend you're Rob Manfred.
You can use coupon code MadBum15 to get 15 percent off. I don't get money from this! Consider this a public service.
Did somebody say officially licensed? Well, oh baby, look at this. Inspired by the social media sensation, these shirts aren't just a good holiday present. They're a good way for me to make money. So buy 40.
Okay, this shirt is probably a little cooler. But the money for it would go to Natto. Do you really want that?
You know he'll just waste it.
Andrew Baggarly's book
Guaranteed to be the best book you've ever owned with a picture of Travis Ishikawa on the cover or your money back. An interview with Baggarly about the book is my Chinese Democracy, and you'll really enjoy it when I get it done in 2019. Until then, buy the book.
My favorite part so far is J.T. Snow revealing how Barry Bonds opened up to him about his postseason struggles in 2000. I sure wish I were in the seat behind them on the plane, eavesdropping.
The Best Team Money Can Buy
Know thy enemy. And in Molly Knight's blockbuster book, we learn that Yasiel Puig buried Jimmy Hoffa's body in the pond behind Senator Bedfellow's house. Among other things.
The ending is so good, I almost want to spoil it, okay, fine, I can't resist, here goes: The best team money can buy doesn't win the World Series. Over and over again. Read it from the last chapter to the first if you want.
This badass Juan Marichal cubist print
I wish there were a writer's analogue for this. As in, I wish I could write a history of the Giants' 2010 season in the style of Cormac McCarthy and sell a bunch of them.
Cody Ross felt the teal flames of hell licking him and he was ejected and mercifully saved by persons who had no interest in being heroes or any idea of what utility he could represent but they took a chance. With the salty marine air contributing to the decay of the meat abacus contained within Bruce Bochy's voluminous skull the team opined there was no choice but to start Jose Guillen who was known as a baseball player of ill repute and despair. This was a bad decision.
I would sell three of those, and it would work out to $.000003 per hour. And yet I'm still tempted.
Giants-related diagram art
It started with this poster, which was awesome:
(Those arrows are on the Internet, but not the poster, don't worry.)
And when I put the poster on this here website, someone said, "Oh, wow, that is neat. Wouldn't it be funny if he did one for Ruben Rivera?" So he did.
And later, he did a good thing by making this poster.
It's a good trilogy. History. Pathos. Unlikely success. The San Francisco Giants in three posters.
This baseball game
It probably needs four 23-side dice to approach anything close to reality, but it still looks fun. Just make sure you don't kill the pitcher with the Extraordinary Occurrences Chart.
This other baseball game
You've probably heard of it. It's just a weeeeee bit more complex than the one up there. So you have options.
That link up there goes to the 1971 season set. Ease their pain.
Five pounds of Giants-themed M&Ms
Ah, the annual tradition. Just imagine if you had these on your table for the holidays. You would be so popular.
Except ... wait a sec ... is that $28 an ounce? Are these hand-stenciled by Jasper Johns? Probably. They're probably hand-stenciled by Jasper Johns.
How much do regular M&Ms cost?
Less. They cost less than $28 an ounce.
Do not buy those Giants-themed M&Ms.
This empty box
SEEMS LIKE A GOOD DEAL. I'LL TAKE SIX.
The actual rainglobes are going for about $200 on eBay. I still have relatives and friends who ask me for rainglobes. I got three. My brother got one. Each of my kids got one. Now I have none. But now I can get an empty box and use my imaginaaaaation. Which is just as good.
Oh, I just noticed the "Make Offer" button. Lemme just ...
This collector's item from the Giants' dugout store
@mccoveychron Christmas is coming, just saying pic.twitter.com/CqKKtzzWYJ— Alex Cortez (@alexstar) November 20, 2015
And this gift guide is over.
Please share your ideas in the comments, and buy 600 Buster Hugs shirts. Remember that's B-U-S-T-E-R H-U-G-S shirts, not N-A-T-T-O shirts.