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Simple hopes and dreams for the Giants fan watching the postseason

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You might think this is another "what to root for" post, but you would be ... uh ... look over there!

Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

We've discussed the ex-Giants to root for. We've discussed why the Mets are the best, and why everyone here at Seaver Stories should root for them. But we haven't talked about specific events to root for. Not everything has to do with ex-Giants and the Dodgers losing painfully. There's also the Cardinals losing painfully.

And other things! Things that might help the Giants, and things that might make you feel better about the Giants-free postseason. Here are additional things to root for if you're a Giants fan.

David Price and/or Zack Greinke to pitch horribly

You can skip the other ones. They're all dumb and frivolous. But I'm serious about this one. Let's not have any Madison Bumgarner-like runs through the postseason, fellas. That would make them even more prohibitively expensive. I know the Giants aren't signing either of them, but let me dream a little.

I guess they don't have to pitch horribly. They're not going to lose out on too many millions with a disastrous postseason -- someone will still pay them roughly what they were projected to get in the first place. But I could see their prices going through the roof with a buzzworthy postseason run. Bumgarner would own a space station if he were a free agent after last season. There would be livestock on that space station. Maybe that wouldn't have been a bad thing.

My dream of the offseason still revolves around one of these two pitchers (Johnny Cueto's ouchie elbow scares me way, way too much), so I'm hoping they have very nondescript postseasons, at best.

Well, Price at least. Greinke can give up 13 runs in the first inning and trip over the mound on his way off the field. But I'm rooting for Price to be merely okay, at best.

Troy Tulowitzki crashing into Russell Martin, who is holding a serving platter filled with hors-d'oeuvres

There's a problem, here. I don't have anything against the Blue Jays. Some of my best friends are Blue Jays fans. I follow a lot of them on Twitter, and they seem like a barrel of monkeys. So I don't want them to lose, necessarily.

I made this, and I think I'm attached to the little guy.

I would be fine with them winning the World Series, even. Geddy Lee is a Blue Jays fan, you know. Geddy Lee.

However, while I respect all of their feelings, I can't shake the beauty of Troy Tulowitzki chasing a pop-up in foul ground, screaming "I GOT IT, I GOT IT", and running into Russell Martin, who is in full catcher's gear and holding a silver platter filled with cocktail weenies on toothpicks. No one would get hurt -- that's very, very important, here -- but the weenies would go everywhere, with the sauce splattering all over the place, and Martin would have this look on his face like, "What just happened?" and everyone would have that same look back at Martin because why is he carrying a platter of hors-d'oeuvres, anyway?

It would one of the most memorable, giffable, beautiful moments in baseball history. Even if it isn't likely, we can still dream. And the Blue Jays wouldn't have to lose or anything. Just the platter of weenies, that's all I ask.

Michael Morse to hit a dinger

wait, where did Michael Morse go, i just went to the bathroom and now he's gone

For either the Rangers or Royals to win the World Series

I'm not in love with either franchise, but now that the Pirates are gone, I'm taking a "Thanks for doing us a solid back there" approach to my rooting interests. I still have residual guilt from the last five years, and I'm seeing someone about it, but if one of these teams finally gets over the hump, it would help a lot.

I'm starting to realize that a lot of these hopes and dreams accidentally hose the Blue Jays. Again, I apologize for that.

For Clayton Kershaw to have a bad outing

It's no secret that I'm a Kershaw fan. I'm a fan of his talent, and I'm a fan of his personality. I'm stumping for him for Cy Young, and I think the perception of him as a choker is overblown and annoying.

And yet, with one more bad outing, the perception of him as someone who wilts in the postseason will linger around and bug the absolute crap out of Dodgers fans. I mean, just irritate them into a frothy rage.

Dodgers fan: You know the Dodgers are better, right? Better ace, better l

Giants fan: You mean a better ace ... in the regular season, right?

Giants fan: /smirks

Studio audience: /laughs and claps

Balloons and streamers: /fall from ceiling

Dodgers fan: CUT THAT OUT. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU HAVE TIME TO DO THAT.

And while I respect the heck out of Kershaw's likely Hall of Fame legacy, I respect the rivalry more. By which I mean, I want Dodgers fans to be annoyed, forever and always.