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Your guide to the ex-Giants in the 2015 postseason

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It turns out there aren't a lot of ex-Giants in the postseason this year. Except on the bench of the team you should root for.

Ed Szczepanski-USA TODAY Sports

This is what we're reduced to, reminiscing about old Giants and how they used to be on our team. You know where we were last year? Talking about 18-inning games and Madison Bumgarner and sad Dodgers and sad Cardinals and Madison Bumgarner. That was much, much more fun. This is a sad consolation prize.

But it's also quite fun. Hello, old friends and good Giants! Glad you're back in the postseason. Let's see if we can root for you or if you're dead to us. Here's a complete list of all the ex-Giants in the 2015 postseason:

* * *

Dodgers

Nope. Eric Surkamp was there at some point this season. David Huff made a cameo. Juan Uribe was mercifully traded away. But while the roster is festooned with ex-Rockies, Diamondbacks, and Padres, there isn't a single ex-Giant likely to be on the postseason roster.

/spits

Yeah, that's what I thought. Now you go on and git.

Ex-Giants fan-favorite bonus points: 0

* * *

Cardinals

Does Jonathan Broxton count? Feels like he's an honorary Giant, at least. Getting his number on your jersey wouldn't be out of the question. Boy, he's done a lot of good, Giants-related work in his time.

He probably doesn't count. Which means the closest the Cardinals come to an ex-Giant is Carlos Villanueva, an ex-Giants farmhand who never appeared in a game for them. The worst part about Villanueva is that he reminds me that the Giants traded for Wayne Franklin on purpose, and now I'm thinking about Steve Finley and Cody Ransom and hrarrrggggghhhh

Jonathan Broxton brings me back, though. I can see Juan Uribe's jazz hands like they were yesterday ...

Ex-Giants fan-favorite bonus points: 0

* * *

Yankees

Carlos Beltran! What is going on, odd-year buddy? Hope things are working out well for you. Turns out we really, really, really didn't need to re-sign you after all, but I'm glad you're well.

Giants fans who boo Beltran are strange and fascinating creatures. Did they tune out after he came off the DL and hit like Ty Cobb? That makes them fairweather fans. Or did they get mad that he got hurt? He's an aging Carlos Beltran, of course that's a risk. That makes them low-information fans. Did they get mad that Zack Wheeler looked promising? Seems like you should get mad at Gary Brown for being so good at San Jose that the Giants preferred to keep him over Wheeler. I can't think of a rational reason to be mad at Beltran.

Though that sure doesn't mean you need to cheer him now, or anything.

Ex-Giants fan-favorite bonus points: 0.28

* * *

Mets

Juan Uribe with a chance to ruin the Dodgers and eat their organs while they're still awake! Yes yes yes yes yes!

No no no no no no!

As such, Johnny Monell and his eight ex-Giants at-bats would be the only option (unless you count Zack Wheeler), and based on his playing time over the last couple of months, it doesn't look like he's going to be on the Mets' roster. At least I won't get this song stuck in my head.

Ex-Giants fan-favorite bonus points: 0.01

Ex-Giants fan-favorite bonus points (with Uribe): 100

* * *

Blue Jays

LaTroy Hawkins was on the Giants for a half-year. When the Giants traded for him, they were 6.5 games out of first and two games under .500. He was a pending free agent, and they eventually let him walk. They traded a 23-year-old pitcher who was the #19 prospect in baseball the previous two seasons. I will never, ever, ever understand that trade.

Hawkins was 32 that season. He was the same age as Jason Schmidt and Armando Benitez. He was way older than Tyler Walker, Brad Hennessey, and Jeremy Accardo. Look who's standing, though. You have to respect the dude.

I don't think you have to root for him. I'm sensing a theme, here.

Ex-Giants fan-favorite bonus points: 0.02

* * *

Cubs

Jon Lester doesn't count, I guess. The blood on their hands from hitting Hunter Pence and Norichika Aoki doesn't really count as an ex-Giant, either, even if it does include Giants DNA.

Ex-Giants fan-favorite bonus points: 0

* * *

Rangers

The funniest part of this exercise is going over the rosters and thinking to yourself, "Wait, was he a Giant? Was he? What ... no, he wasn't." Feels like Will Venable has played enough games against the Giants that he's basically extended family.

But, no, there are not any ex-Giants on the Rangers. The player with the most ties to the Giants so far is either Hawkins or Beltran. Neither of them played a full season here. This is getting freaky.

Ex-Giants fan-favorite bonus points: 0

* * *

Royals

How was Edinson Volquez never a Giant? Or Jonny Gomes? So strange.

Alex Rios almost counts.

Ex-Giants fan-favorite bonus points: 0

* * *

Astros

Scott Feldman used to work at Village Host Pizza in Burlingame (mention my name and get one pizza for the price of two), and they have the fake Matt Duffy, but there are no ex-Giants.

There are no ex-Giants anywhere. What in the absolute heck is going on? I know the Giants love, love, love to keep their own players, but is Carlos Beltran really the most ex-Giants ex-Giant in the postseason until Juan Uribe comes back?

Why don't other teams like the Giants' players? Is this collusion? This feels like collusion. All I want, here, is to root for ex-Giants in the postseason, and you're not giving it to me, baseball. This is some b...

Ex-Giants fan-favorite bonus points: 0

* * *

Pirates

!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris Stewart!

Michael Morse!

TRAVIS ISHIKAWA!

Ex-Giants fan-favorite bonus points: A billion. Literally a billion.

There you have it. You're rooting for the Pirates. I don't think Ishikawa is going to make the postseason roster, but he's there in spirit. Morse will definitely be there, and he'll get a chance for a big pinch-hit. Maybe the Pirates will advance. Maybe he'll be the World Series MVP. And maybe pitch an inning for some reason.

Also, that list is in reverse-rooting order. There will be no arguments. This is the correct order of postseason rooting interests:

  1. Pirates
  2. Astros
  3. Royals
  4. Rangers
  5. Cubs
  6. Blue Jays
  7. Mets
  8. Yankees
  9. Cardinals
  10. Dodgers

Astros through Blue Jays are basically a tie -- would be thrilled with any of them -- with the Mets getting a slight deduction because of their 2000 shenanigans. After that are the Yankees, who win too much for my tastes. After that: misery and pain.

Unless there's schadenfreude. Cross your fingers, everyone.