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Brian Wilson was on Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles, so we watched it on purpose

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"Brian Wilson is very clever," Brian Wilson clearly thinks.

Still as Brian Wilson as ever
Still as Brian Wilson as ever

I have never watched Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles before this episode. I will never watch it again. Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles seems to be a show about sociopaths who collectively earn money by taking the audience's will to live from, and transmogrifying it into money for themselves.

WE OPEN on a guy sitting in his office. This is Josh Altman:

altmanoffice

You might notice that the main decoration in Josh Altman's office is an enlarged 10 dollar bill. This is because money is a big deal in his life. He likes money. Do you like money? Money. Money money money. Josh is calling a man and asking when he's going to hear back from him. This man is named "Brian" and guess who he is? He's the guy in the title of this post who used to be a well-known player for the Giants, making him a natural choice to be the subject of an article.

Josh nonhumblebrags that he is a top real estate broker and therefore has lots of celebrity clients. If Brian Wilson, a washed-up baseball player who was paid $10 million not to play this year, is anything to go on, that must be an awfully impressive list.

Josh describes Brian as having "a serious love for real estate," which in this case manifests by his being noncommunicative with his real estate agent for just long enough to build tension before texting back (just minutes before their meeting!) with a meeting place.

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Brian Wilson sends longitude and latitude coordinates for the meeting place, because he's eccentric and Jesus Christ we rooted for the most insufferable man in the universe for, like, years. Josh Altman, of course, does not know that they are coordinates, so an agent in the office tells him that's what they are, because why even try to maintain the fiction that you have to know a single anything to be successful in life?

When he figures out where the meeting is, Josh Altman leaves the office on one of these, because he'll be DAMNED if Brian Wilson is gonna out-insufferable him without a fight.

altmansegway

Josh arrives at the coordinates Brian texted him and waits. Brian, of course, is not there. Josh makes a call, then stops in front of a white van to check his phone, which happens after a cut and is definitely not something that he did multiple times so the camera crew could get the best take. Brian Wilson steps out of his van, and he . . . he looks like this:

wilsonninja

Three things:

1. As soon as he gets out of the van, Brian calls Josh "War Eagle." This nickname will not be explained for 10 more minutes or so. It is also the nickname a smarmy bro gives to another smarmy bro to acknowledge their shared membership in the brotherhood of smarmy bros.
2. You see that Brian Wilson is covering his entire face, head, and body with what appears to be a ninja outfit. Since it's a sunny day in LA in the middle of not-winter, this outfit is tremendously impractical and he will change out of it almost immediately. But it sure sends a message! The message: "I try really hard to look this quirky."
3.. You can see that the on-screen text reads "Ninja?" to indicate that Brian Wilson might be a ninja. Wikipedia says that this page was registered in 2002.

Brian goes back into his van to change, because he's eccentric, you see, and emerges a few minutes later, asking Josh "Can a man clean his balls?" But you see, he means golf balls!

wilsongolfballs

This is the worst joke I've ever heard.

They get in Josh Altman's Porsche to go to the first house they're going to look at, and Brian Wilson asks, "What is this, a Smart Car?" In one sentence, he manages to come off like a bigger asshole than the guy driving a Porsche, which is a feat heretofore thought impossible by modern science.

"I DRIVE A VAN," Brian Wilson says as they drive away. "Free candy." If I wanted to explain Brian Wilson, I would point someone to that clip. It has everything: the joke that wasn't funny ten years ago, the trying to one-up someone by pretending he doesn't know what a Porsche is, the trying to one-up someone by implying his van is cool, and this backpack:

wilsonbackpack

After some segments with people we don't care about, we come back to Brian and Josh, who are on their way to the first property. Josh is saying that Brian knows everything about every property. Brian is going to know how to build square footage, no matter the  kind of property he sees. In his own mind, Brian Wilson is just the best at everything. He believe in himself more strongly than anything. He must have watched a ton of Dreamworks cartoons recently.

They arrive at the first property, and Josh parks too close to the fence to get out of the car on the driver's side. "Nice park job, Magellan," says Brian Wilson, which is a good burn, since Magellan was well known for his poor parking skills. They go out to the deck of a house and check out the view, which is very nice. Brian Wilson talks about his plans to push out the deck and to add "something sick in the front," and then he leans over the fence to declare that the house could be a "MONSTER PAAAAADDDDDD."

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After getting some more positive news, Brian Wilson declares that the house is "Bases loaded, bottom of the ninth," then he winds up to take a fake swing and says "BLAM! Game over." He has apparently forgotten that he used to be a pitcher and that this situation would be a bad one for him.

Josh describes the next property, the house next door, as "32 steps away," so Brian Wilson, naturally, counts steps on his way over. They check out the view there, which Brian calls "iconic," and Josh, seeing an excellent opportunity for toadying, says "You're iconic, bro." Brian then declares that Josh is War Eagle, Josh's brother is Badger, and Brian is La Barba. You'll never guess what La Barba means! (You have already correctly guessed what La Barba means)

When Josh tells Brian that the property costs $7.5 million, Brian says that this is why he has the Badger and the War Eagle, and does his impression of a war eagle, as seen here:

wilsonwareagle

Brian is unhappy because his budget is $5.5 million, and $7.5M is just way too much, especially for a house without a driveway. They agree to go to the next property.

At the next property, which features a very nice driveway, Brian and Josh discuss the great view. The price for this one is $6M. Brian is, again, apoplectic. Brian comes up with the most brutal insult he can, and says that instead of dealing with War Eagle,"Now I'm talking to Josh. Because Josh is soft." Josh holds firm at 6, and Brian wants to know why. Well, it's because Josh also represents the seller, and this is a 6 million dollar house. Eventually, after a lot of macho posturing, Josh agrees to see if the seller will come down to $5.5 million. Then he refers to himself as the War Eagle. This is awful. Why am I watching this? Why am I recapping this? I better get some hazard pay.

Josh goes to talk to the owner, Ilan, who intends to develop it, so he needs some convincing. This is not interesting. It is also an immense relief because Brian Wilson is not here to yell "LOOK AT MY QUIRKS I'M SO WACKY" which makes is a much more pleasant viewing experience. The only interesting thing that happens is Ilan saying that Josh is trying to make him a "dolphin," which is just his not-witty way of saying he doesn't flip houses. It is terrible and unfunny. But he's less unfunny than Brian Wilson, and I want to bathe in that fact.

In one of the other stories, Kris Humphries is doing something. Go check that out if you're interested, or, and this is a better option, stare directly at the sun and then bleach your eyes.

When we come back from commercial, there is a montage of wacky Brian Wilson moments in Josh's car, including him leaning out the window saying "Just letting the hair out. No hair don't care!" and him yelling to no one "Docta Jones! Docta Jones!" Brian says he's building something pleasing to the eye, which is interesting since this was clearly shot on the same day they went to see all the houses and he doesn't have any plans yet, so he doesn't know what the house will look like. The words sound like they have meaning, but they actually don't, which is classic Brian Wilson. Then he says he wants his house to be an exhibit at the LA County Museum of Art, then immediately acknowledges it's impossible, which, I mean, what did I just say?

Josh goes to a tattoo parlor to meet Brian so that he can sign the papers. He doesn't show up. That incorrigible scamp! In fact, he never intended to show up.

wilsontexts

He just wanted to trick Josh into getting a tattoo. Josh, instead, gets a stencil of the tattoo. It looks like this:

wareagletattoo

He thinks it looks cool. So did Brian Wilson. In the end, there is no bigger indictment of either of them.