A quick and dirty ranking of the creepiest limited-edition bobbleheads the Giants have released this year, in order of creepiness.
5. Matt Cain
Your limited edition Matt Cain Bobble of the Month is here! Avail today @ 10am, #ATTPark Dugout Store. #SFGiants pic.twitter.com/kILjCwjyn7
— San Francisco Giants (@SFGiants) August 29, 2014
The golfing thing is unfortunate, considering that a) Cain probably has a lot of time to golf right now, but b) he probably can't golf right now. It's not a creepy bobblehead, though. The only thing that wants to nibble on your soul in that picture is the gopher, but that's to be expected because gophers are nasty creatures.
4. Madison Bumgarner
#Bumgarner fans, the 1st edition Bobble of the Month is here! Available NOW at the #ATTPark Dugout Store. #SFGiants pic.twitter.com/d8eEUhMHP3
— San Francisco Giants (@SFGiants) May 23, 2014
They really captured his sad eyes in this one. It's also a lot funnier if you look at that like he's wearing a fanny pack instead of chaps, though the chaps are funny enough.
Honest question: If they made steers that size. Would we keep them as pets? Probably not the steers, but maybe the cows. And a follow-up question, say you had a pet cow that you kept in the house. It's potty-trained, sleeps on your bed, et cetera. Do you milk it? If so, there's a corollary to the follow-up question: If drinking cat's milk was a thing and you could milk your cat, would you? If so, there's an addendum to the corollary to the follow-up question: How would that change the human-pet dynamic?
Sorry. That put me in a weird place. Better line of questioning: If you could shrink down one animal to housepet size and domesticate it, what would you choose? I'm going manatee in a swimming pool.
3. Tim Lincecum
Your limited edition Tim Lincecum Bobble of the Month is here! Avail today @ #ATTPark Dugout Store @ 10am! #SFGiants pic.twitter.com/ZXbvVVgq3w
— San Francisco Giants (@SFGiants) July 25, 2014
In which Lincecum drops a b-boy stance for no good reason and the dog makes you uncomfortable. He reminds me of the Buster Brown dog.
That's never, ever a good thing.
2. Hunter Pence
Hey #Pence fans! Your limited edition bobble is here tomorrow! Available @ 10am, #ATTPark Dugout Store #SFGiants pic.twitter.com/e9qpa7OWI6
— San Francisco Giants (@SFGiants) June 26, 2014
See, I think you've found your problem. If you're making a series of limited-edition bobbleheads, and Hunter Pence isn't the creepiest one, you're probably doing something really, really wrong. That's almost a normal Hunter Pence.
I mean, it looks like he's wearing a latex suit.
His teeth look like they're good bitin' teeth, which is kinda creepy.
His eyes ... they do an okay job on the unsettling eyes.
But, really, the only thing creepy about this one is that it's a man with unsettling eyes and bitey teeth riding around on a scooter in a latex suit. Seems like there's more they could have done. Like ...
1. Buster Posey
Your limited edition bobble of the month is Buster Posey! Only avail at the #ATTPark Dugout Store, 9/26 #SFGiants pic.twitter.com/OOEoh0dvDY
— San Francisco Giants (@SFGiants) September 22, 2014
AHHHHHHH.
Bobblehead Posey looks like an Asshole from Spaceballs.
And he's wearing waders. Does he wear waders in real life? I can't imagine running into Buster Posey wearing waders. Bumgarner in chaps, sure. Not Posey in waders.
Wait, did he get a specially made jersey for his waders? Did he go into a sporting goods store and ask someone to put extra-big gaps between the "G" and the "I" and the "T" and the "S"? Or does it read "GXIANTUS" or something?
Try staring at it for more than a minute. I dare you.
If you rank the creepiest limited-edition bobbleheads in order from "creepy" to "really creepy," Posey comes out on top. I have strong opinions about all of them.
/gets wallet out
I might buy them, all of them, but I still get to have opinions on them. Even if it will be decades before I come to terms with whatever the idea was behind the Posey one.