The last time the Giants played the Royals: 2008.
The last time the Giants got 12 or more hits with two or fewer runs: 2008.
Coincidence? Probably. I mean, wait, probably not. Certainly not. That can't be a coincidence. I mention the 2008 season every other day, sure, but I think the Royals saved a vial of it the last time the Giants were in town.
Dayton Moore: /swabs behind Jose Castillo's ear
Jose Castillo: Hey!
Moore: /puts swab in vial marked "2008"
Moore: Sorry, Jose. It's something of a process around here. Call me when you're a free agent, might have a first base job open for you.
Moore: /leaves on old-timey bicycle
They took the 2008 and let it loose. Weaponized 2008, flying around the place like someone busted a containment unit in Ghostbusters. The Giants made stupid outs on the bases. They couldn't drive runners in. They made more stupid outs on the bases. And there was mittfuckery. Oh, how there was mittfuckery.
Mittfuckery, sloppy situational hitting, and stupid baserunning were the reasons the Giants couldn't take advantage of a favorable pitching matchup. Go back in time, and tell your romantic rival that Madison Bumgarner is going to throw a complete game and that Jason Vargas was going to get hit hard and leave early. Watch that rival get evicted after they bet their live savings on a baseball game. Step over the rival on your way to a date. Look back and give an Antonio Banderas oooooooh face of mock sympathy. That's how unlikely that loss was.
The 2014 Giants managed, though. The 2014 Giants always seem to manage.
Details of the mittfuckery: Grounder to Michael Morse with a runner on first. The second Morse got to his knees, it was like a ball bouncing in the middle of the street. Where's the kid chasing after the ball? You were expecting the kid chasing after the ball. Everyone on the field was expecting the kid chasing the ball, and they swerved at the first hint of a squirrel. Morse threw wide. Duffy threw high. There was a bee in the car, and everyone swerved again. Instead of two outs, no on, it was no outs and runners in scoring position.
Single, single, game over. It was a play that started with an iffy fielder making an unfortunate throw, which led to a run who scored when a completely brilliant fielder was - - this close to making a brilliant catch.
I wanted to include a video of Homer Simpson stuck in a tar pit, saying "I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First, I'll just reach in and pull my legs out. Now I'll pull my arms out with my face," because that was the best way to describe the play on so many levels. So I searched on YouTube.
Literally the two worst things in the entire billion-video YouTube catalog, back to back. If that's not proof that we're all being watched and laughed at, it's at least proof that I'm part of a virtual reality experiment, the façade is crumbling, and I can't trust any of you.
This game, defined: There are still no pictures of Norichika Aoki getting hit by a pitch in tonight's game in the story editor here. Nothing. Aoki was brilliant afield, getting two assists in the same inning, and all I've done is fawn over him. This is how he repays me?
You are dead to me, Norichika. I'll watch you only for the next 10 years or until you retire, but nothing after that, so help me ...
Joaquin Arias had a good night. I'm putting that sentence in here because otherwise, I'm a total jackass.
Bumgarner lost another complete game, his second of the year. This was the third complete-game loss for the Giants since 2002, when Russ Ortiz did it twice and Livan Hernandez did it once. Except Bumgarner and Tim Hudson are actually good ...
The last time a Giants team lost four games in which a pitcher threw a complete game? 1983, when Atlee Hammaker did it four times on his own. And where did Hammaker come from? The Royals.
Connect the dots, sheeple.
The best part of the game was small-sample confirmation that Matt Duffy can handle second and third.
A play at each! That's all I need to see! Don't need more than that! Arguments to the contrary will be ignored.
I welcome this new super utility infielder with open arms.