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Meet the wise and powerful Ballpark Wizard

Good afternoon. What the hell am I looking at?


Grant's on vacation, because he's off making professional blogger money now and has "a family" and "the unknowable joy of fathering children" or whatever, so you're stuck with me. I'm very sorry.

At any rate, since Bryan is on the recap/naming home runs/being flooded beat, it's up to me to find something dumb to write about. (McCovey Chronicles: Something Dumb. There's your new header.) Unfortunately for me and for all of you reading this, I found the dumbest thing of all time. I don't even remember how this happened. All I know is that one minute I was on YouTube and had known happiness, and the next minute I was watching this and finally comprehending what Camus what talking about.

The YouTube description of this video is as follows:

Tate Moore with her imaginary family.

I don't know who that is. A google search for "Tate Moore" results in more hits for "Moore Tate," which is generally my request at the starch counter of a Hometown Buffet. So I took a gamble and searched "Tate Moore IMDB" which was also no help. This is clearly (once you get a full minute into the FIVE-MINUTE commercial) an ad for MLB's "At The Ballpark" app, but Giants-themed and made to look like an exceedingly terrible parody of Modern Family. In the year 2014. When everyone except the Emmys and Golden Globes has been sick of Modern Family for three years. It features Surly Older Daughter giving a quick smile and then covering it up when she finds out Timmy is pitching:


Because Tim Lincecum is CATNIP FOR TEEN LADIES. It also figures this kid saying, "Dat swag doe," in what is possibly the whitest thing that has ever happened, ever.


That kid's "dat swag doe" line is followed by him screaming OH COOL AN AUTOGRAPHED [100% unintelligible after 10 listenings] SIGN, and then this happens:



And most disingenuous line-reading GOES TO:

"I'm not easily impressed, but the 'My Journal' feature of the At The Ballpark app? Is pretty cool. With it, I can document every gameday experience relive highlights, and most importantly? Tell the story how I want to tell it."


"Hey, could we get another take, Quasi-Surly Teen? Try to act like you're a human being that's spoken words before and try to read less obviously."

*gets exact same delivery*

"Okay I guess we're moving on, then."

So what IS the story the way she wants to tell it?





haha okay I kinda like Quasi-Surly Teen.

Or I did, until she wrote a half-assed song about how Timmy is a "HASHTAG HOTTIE."


One thing you have to hand it to this weird, interminably long commercial: they depicted an accurate cross-section of Giants fans.


"I just wanna enjoy the beauty of the BAY." LOL yep they've got our number all right. We can't figure out the best place to catch a home run. Luckily, we have THIS guy to tell us:


Turns out the best place to catch a home run is in the bleachers! You know; THE PLACE WHERE HOME RUNS LAND.

But this commercial has an important, guitar-strummy moral: creating memories at the ballpark is the most "wizard" thing of all. Thanks, commercial that encourages us to spend the entire game looking at our phones!

In conclusion: