Home runs by month: 34, 29, 14, 16.
Wins by month: 17, 19, 10, 12.
More testicles means more iron.More dingers means more wins.
The Giants didn't do much in July. They won more games than they did in June and they hit more dingers, too. But they were still mostly terrible and unwatchable.
You know what else is unwatchable? Sixteen Candles. At least, I think it is. Mostly, it has simply gone unwatched by me. One "genre" I definitely missed out on during my formative years was the John Hughes teen movie. And in my advanced years, I have decided not to go back and catch up. I've seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off, The Breakfast Club, Planes, Trains & Automobiles, and Uncle Buck. But the super duper high school-based ones: nope.
So I thought it'd be fun to name each of the Giants' sixteen home runs after a character from Sixteen Candles and include a quote from that character based on what I think that character would say despite having never seen the movie. I think it's about a young woman named Sixteen (Molly Ringwald) who is in a proto-Bachelor scenario where she's choosing between a bunch of high school guys like Anthony Michael Hall, Matt Dillon, and Jon Cryer. Right? Is this a good idea? Let's just say yes, okay? I'm certain a 30-year old movie is better than the Giants were in July, anyway.
1. "Jim Baker" - July 1, 2014
Pablo Sandoval (359 feet off of Marco Gonzales)
Jim Baker was played by veteran actor Paul Dooley. This was veteran Pablo Sandoval's 100th career home run.
Memorable line: "Sixteen, if you break curfew one more time I'm going to blow out your candles!"
2. "Long Duk Dong" - July 5, 2014
Gregor Blanco (406 feet off of Odrisamer Despaigne)
Seriously, Gregor Blanco hit a home run... at Petco Park? That's as random and foreign as the name Long Duk Dong.
Memorable line: "Long Duk Dong speaks in third person because Long Duk Dong recognizes he has no chance of borking you, Sixteen Candles."
3. "Bryce" - July 5, 2014
Michael Morse (429 feet off of Huston Street)
When I think of a player raises his arms in triumph after being a bit of a sad sack (Morse was 2-for-26 heading into that at bat against a dominant closer) I immediately think of John Cusack.
Memorable line: "Did I chase after Sixteen Candles because I was unhappy? Or was I unhappy because I chased after Sixteen Candles?"
4. "Geek" - July 5, 2014
Brandon Belt (396 feet off of Dale Thayer)
Hunter Pence may be the true geek on the team, but there's no way he would be an Anthony Michael Hall-type.
Memorable line: "You're so cowabunga, Sixteen. Let's bork!"
5. "Geek Girl #1" - July 9, 2014
Tyler Colvin (384 feet off of Sonny Gray)
Joan Cusack was in this movie, too? Awesome.
Memorable line: "As the first of many geek girls allow me to be the first to say to you, Bryce, that, dude, you are being really uncool about this. And this is coming from me, a geek girl. Because... because all you're doing in pursuing Sixteen Candles when she would rather be with Matt Dillon is forming a little unit: them against you. Before you started all this, there was no unit. There were just three people in a mess. But now? Now they've got something in common, and you don't want to make it any worse. Nanu nanu. Beam me up, Luke Skywalker."
6. "Caroline Mulford" - July 9, 2014
Hunter Pence (425 feet off of Jason Hammel)
Via context clues, this character is either Sixteen Candles' sassy best friend or the alpha mean girl in high school. I'm going to guess it's the latter and name Hunter Pence's dead center shot after her because the way he clobbers a baseball sometimes is just plain mean.
Memorable line: "I'm popular and you're not, Sixteen. Now out of my way. I've got to take a huge dump."
7. "Grandpa Fred" - July 11, 2014
Pablo Sandoval (404 feet off of Mike Bolsinger)
Pablo Sandoval yanked this one to right field and I can imagine Sixteen Candle's Grandpa Fred being fond of yanking it... on the golf course!
Memorable line: "Sixteen, let me tell you something my grandpa told me when I was your age. He said, 'Son, you'll be a man some day. And you'll know it when you decide to not break wind in front of a girl you life.' If a boy breaks wind before you, Sixteen, that's how you know he's not the one."
8. "Jake Ryan" - July 13, 2014
Buster Posey (419 feet off of Vidal Nuno)
A beautiful grand slam off the bat of the hunky Buster Posey. This one absolutely has to be named after Sixteen's hunky crush.
Memorable line: "I could never be with Fifteen or Seventeen. I could only ever be with you, Sixteen."
9. "Jimmy Montrose" - July 13, 2014
Madison Bumgarner (387 feet off of Matt Stites)
Oh god, this grand slam was amazing. I love Madison Bumgarner. And I cheated here and looked up Jimmy Montrose because there's no picture of him on the IMDb page for Sixteen Candles. Yep... this fits a grand slam from Madison Bumgarner perfectly.
Memorable line: "She's totally serious, asswipe!"
10. "Rudy" - July 18, 2014
Brandon Crawford (384 feet off of Nathan Eovaldi)
I just couldn't let go of Crawford's abuse of the letter y. I think Rudy is one of Jake Ryan's buddies.
Memorable line: "Broheim, hey, check out Fifteen. She's a bodacious eight. May the meeting of our bodies be fate. Oh shit, I'm late!"
11. "Mike Baker" - July 18, 2014
Pablo Sandoval (383 feet off of Nathan Eovaldi)
I think this character was Sixteen's brother. He was probably a stoner, which works in this case because Pablo Sandoval smoked a high fastball here.
Memorable line: "Whoa. I'm watching Puttin' on the Ritz while eating Ritz, man! Tubular!"
12. "Randy" - July 21, 2014
Adam Duvall (415 feet off of Cliff Lee)
Okay, I think Randy was Sixteen's sassy best friend. In a way, Cliff Lee has been the Giants' sassy best friend over the years.
Memorable line: "Hey Sixteen! Geek is being a dweeb! You want I should toss his salad?"
13. "Brenda Baker" - July 22, 2014
Hunter Pence (454 feet off of Roberto Hernandez)
I assume this is Jim Baker's wife, or Sixteen's mom, meaning she changed her name upon marriage... just like Roberto Hernandez did.
Memorable line: "We love you very much. Just not enough to pay attention to you right now."
14. "Grandma Helen" - July 22, 2014
Buster Posey (386 feet off of Jonathan Papelbon)
Jonathan Papelbon would totally give up a home run to Grandma Helen.
Memorable line: "In my day we didn't go all the way until Labor Day."
15. "Ginny Baker" - July 27, 2014
Buster Posey (390 feet off of Hyun-Jin Ryu)
This is either Sixteen's sister or her kooky aunt. I'm going to guess kooky aunt. Kinda like how it's kooky to think the Giants can still win the West.
Memorable line: "I remember when I smoked my first cigarette. His name was Branson. High five?"
16. "Ray Gun Geek #1" - July 29, 2014
Michael Morse (381 feet off of Francisco Liriano)
The Giants' lone run off their former big prospect. That was a dumb series and this was probably a dumb character.
Memorable line: "Direct hit. Collect $100 dollars. Direct hit -- oh shit, you're Jake Ryan! Don't hit me!"
What did I learn from all this? It turns out, Matt Dillon and Jon Cryer aren't even in the movie.