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Predictions for the Giants' second half

There are 67 games left. What's going to happen?

Cary Edmondson-USA TODAY Sports

You are thinking happy thoughts. It is a new half, a new beginning. The Giants would have made the playoffs if the season ended after the first half, and they're just a game out of first. We would have paid cash money for this scenario on March 1. It's here. Yay?

Don't forget the Giants are on a 97-win pace over their last five games heading into the break. Happy thoughts. You're thinking happy thoughts.

Here are five predictions for the second half, and they're all going to be based on happy thoughts.

Chad Qualls is so going to be on the Giants

Dammit. This isn't a happy ... okay, you get one ugh-thought.

Qualls has been on the Giants on two different occasions in a shadow universe, with an ERA of 3.94 in both of them. In every nine innings he pitches in those universes, he allows exactly 3.94 runs. It's eerie. In this universe, though, he's never been on the Giants, which is just strange. This will be rectified.

He's pitching very well for the Astros, actually. It's just hard to get over the inherent Chad Quallsness of him. There's also a decent chance he's the only acquisition at the deadline. Months of rumors and speculation turns into "Here's your Chad Qualls."

Matt Cain is going to stop allowing so many danged home runs

Shorthand for "he's going to be good again, dang it", if only because we want him to be. Seriously, though, Cain's allowing more home runs than he ever has, and I'm tired of it. It's also completely unlike him. Therefore, I'm using writerly powers to predict he'll be good again, which worked for Lincecum the last two years.

Buster Posey is going to hit more home runs

This one isn't only because I want him too, like Cain. This one is grounded in a little reality, as I'm going with the Steamer and ZiPS rest-of-season projections, which are optimistic. Probably because there's no worry-about-his-back setting like humans have.

Still, I'll hope the days off gave Buster's back a breather, and the dingers will be back. I'll settle for an absurdly high average and some doubles, too.

Angel Pagan is going to be healthy and productive

Wait ... are these just a bunch of predictions that take what was wrong with the Giants and assume they'll be better?

The Giants will fill their second base hole, either by trade or a healthier Marco Scutaro

Maybe to the first one, but I don't think the second one is ...

Pablo Sandoval will hit .350

Stop it.

Brandon Belt will hit 30 home runs after all

STOP IT.

Look, my only real prediction is that the Giants won't be as bad as they were over the last month, and we'll still care about games in September. It's what we were hoping for at the start of the season, and then we flew too high on standings made of wax, which made the slight dip in altitude seem fatal.

My prediction is that the Giants will be a normal team, winning between 45 to 60 percent of their games, but not doing it in extreme batches of nonsense.

90-70, second place, but with a berth into the fake playoffs (the Wild Card play-in game). It would take a 38-29 record the rest of the way, which is slightly optimistic. But it's the second half. You can dream a little.

The Dodgers will get David Price

Oh, how I believe this. I really, really do. And it will be so annoying.