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Eulogizing the home runs of June

I come to bury dingers, not to praise them.

Adam Duvall hit the Giants' final home run in the month of June. Remember Adam Duvall?
Adam Duvall hit the Giants' final home run in the month of June. Remember Adam Duvall?
Jason O. Watson

The Giants went 10-16 in the month of June and fell from 9 games ahead in the NL West to a half a game back of first place. In other words, they died.

And the Giants hit only 14 home runs in June, a meager figure by any measure, particularly when they managed to ding 29 in April and 34 in May. So, since the Giants died, the Dusty Baker's dozen of home runs they hit should be recognized for the brief lives they lived, briefly giving a dying team flashes of the healthy life it once lived.

1. "Redseat Highswing" - Born & Died: June 3, 2014
Hunter Pence (385 feet off of Homer Bailey)

Redseat was a good boy. He came home every night right at the dinner bell. He never gave any lip, always did his chores, made his mammy and pappy right proud, he did. Oh... oh, but why did he love the wheat thresher so? Why oh why? I tolds him... I tolds him to mind his hands and feet near that wheat thresher. But he wouldn't listen. He was in love with that wheat thresher. 
Anyway, Red'll be missed. I'll always remember him for his skill with a BB gun and his love for... oh god... the wheat thresher...

2. "THWAP SLAPBLASTMAN" - Born & Died: June 4, 2014
Michael Morse (408 feet off of Tony Cingrani)

THWAP wasn't the most talkative man. (Crowd chuckles.) He certainly wasn't the most graceful one, either. (Chuckles turn into guffaws.) You know what I'm saying, right? That time we went out dancing? But, as simple and straightforward as I knew him to be, he also carried within him great strength. You could tell it by his glistening forearms. The way he effortlessly went about his business flying over walls. He was a good man, a strong man, and my friend. I'll miss you, THWAP. You were a mensch.

3. "Juan Perez Jr." - Born & Died: June 4, 2014
Juan Perez (373 feet off of Tony Cingrani)

A parent should never have to bury a child. But, like me, Junior was always full of surprises. I'll miss him because he's gone, but remember him because there will never be anyone quite like him.

4. "FLUGH DEUSCHANES" - Born & Died: June 5, 2014
Michael Morse (440 feet off of Mike Leake)


5. "Thyryee-Ryun Jyak" - Born & Died: June 5, 2014
Brandon Crawford (411 feet off of Mike Leake)

당신은 전 세계에서 더 정직하고, 사랑하는 사람을 만족하지 않습니다. 우리의 삶은 영원히 그녀의 부재로 감소 될 것이다.

6. "Lily Thaibreaker" - Born & Died: June 6, 2014
Buster Posey (416 feet off of Carlos Torres)
[Note: since this was the last home run hit when the Giants were still alive -- during the sweep of the Mets -- this eulogy goes on a little bit longer.]

We are here together to honor our friend and comrade, Lily Thaibreaker. Coming to terms with the loss of a colleague is perhaps the most difficult task in the work we have chosen to pursue. We will all find time to grieve for her in the days ahead. But for now, she has asked that we celebrate her life with this:

(A hologram of Lily Thaibreaker appears.)

"Hello, my friends. You are here now watching this image of me because I have died. It probably happened while I was on duty... and quickly. Which is what I expected. Never forget that I died doing exactly what I chose to do. What I want you to know is how much I loved my life and those of you who shared it with me. You are my family. You all know where I came from and what my life was like before. But Major League Baseball took that core-less, unleathered ball of string and wound her tight, stitched her up, and threw her in a bucket. I have been blessed with your maple bats and your love.

Hunter Pence, you are the best. You trusted me. You encouraged me. And most of all, you made me laugh.

Angel, you are capable of so much love. You taught me without ever having to say a word. I realized I could be feminine without losing anything.

Ah, Morse. We are so much alike, you and I. Both warriors. Orphans who found ourselves this family. I hope I met death with my eyes wide open.

Sergio, your fierce devotion comes from within. It can't be diminished. From you I have learned to strive for excellence, no matter what the personal cost.

Madison, I'm sorry I won't get to see you grow into the exceptional man that you will become, but your orneriness and slutter are ageless.

Hector, in those moments I felt the most despair, you took my hand and helped me to see things differently. You taught me to look beyond the moment.

My friend Timmy, you see things with the wonder of a child, and that makes you more human than any of us.

Gerald Dempsey 'Buster' Posey III, I wish I could say you've been like a father to me, but I've never had one so I don't know what it feels like. But if there was someone in this league I could choose to be like, someone who I would want to make proud of me... it's you. You who have the heart of a champion and the soul of a poet. So, you'll understand when I say death is that state in which one exists only in the memory of others, which is why it is not an end. No goodbyes. Just good memories. And I... am... OUTTA HERE."

7. "Theodore 'Spin' Inchly" - Born & Died: June 14, 2014
Hunter Pence (412 feet off of Christian Bergman)

You could find Spin sitting in that same seat every single night at O'Flannery's nursing a pint of Guinness for what seemed like hours. His face flush, his speech slurred, and his opinions decidedly drunk. But did you know that during the day you could find Spin serving soup and patching up shoes at the homeless shelter on 19th Street? Or at Brockman Elementary in the ESL classes reading to kids? Or volunteering at Heart's Dwelling Convalescent Hospital changing bed pans and listening to the elderly tell the same stories just so they'd feel like human beings still? We thought Spin was a joke. Turns out, the joke was on us. Spin was better than all of us.

8. "Ty Gamerson" - Born & Died: June 14, 2014
Buster Posey (393 feet off of Christian Bergman)

First time Ty got stitches it was rescuing his sister who had climbed our tree in the backyard and didn't know how to get down. Second time Ty got stitches it was sticking up for his younger brother on the playground. Third time Ty got stitches it was from snitching on one of his fraternity brothers who had embezzled three thousand dollars from the local chapter and now he's covered in mortician's stitches because he alone laid down suppressing fire so his Marine brothers could get to the rendezvous point and complete their mission. God bless our troops. God Bless America.

9. "Hector Pelota" - Born & Died: June 15, 2014
Hector Sanchez (369 feet off of Franklin Morales)

Hector Pelota's heart was so big the village seamstresses would fret every year. It became more and more difficult to make shirts for him. Eventually, Hector's heart grew so large that only a loose blanket would cover his broad shoulders and only the rejection of romantic overtures towards his neighbor, the quixotic Catalina el fin del Mundo, could stop his heart from consuming him.

But when General Palacio's forces traveled south to the village and quartered among them, Hector could not abide. The man with the big heart declared his home to be a place of peace and not a base for war. We lost him to a broken heart and not by General Palacio's hand. No, the world had come to the village and declared death the winner over love.

10. "Angel Derecha" - Born & Died: June 15, 2014
Pablo Sandoval (375 feet off of Franklin Morales)

She was named after Pablo Sandoval's teammate who had recently gone on the disabled list. Now our Angel in the Outfield is an Angel in Heaven.

11. "Skeeter Diggins" - Born & Died: June 15, 2014
Madison Bumgarner (404 feet off of Franklin Morales)

You'd be hard-pressed to find a more distinct flavor of B.O. than ol' Skeeter's. He was the stank-assinest hillbilly whoever ripped off his shirt sleeves or wrassled aligators. For all his smells and piccadillos, though, he was a loyal friend and good father. He, of course, taught rocket science down at the school. He was beloved by his students and possums alike. But it's important to remember that he died doing what he loved most: being awesome.

12. "Hawk Pence" - Born & Died: June 17, 2014
Hunter Pence (398 feet off of John Danks)

You can put him on the board, yes, and he'd make all the right calls for your hospital. Hawk was a fearless administrator. He was always the first into the office and last to leave. Over the years, he saved the hospital millions of dollars from frivolous lawsuits and anguished families. Hawk was a tireless defender of the bottom line and for that, the investors will be forever grateful. Health care is a for-profit enterprise, and nobody understood that better than Hawk Pence, which is why his death is a profound loss not just for the hospital, but an entire industry.

13. "Lugar Brells McCofferty" - Born & Died: June 21, 2014
Hunter Pence (441 feet off of Randall Delgado)

My brother Lugar lived hard and fast. A shotgun in one hand and a smoking hot lady in the other. A cigar with his breakfast. He was rude to children and authority. He thought books were fascist. He didn't "get" coloring books. He once got a ticket by driving his car into a tunnel, then reversing out of the tunnel, then going back into it, in and out for like, five minutes. Like I said, he lived hard and fast, which is why his death by extreme altitude isn't a shock. I will miss him terribly, but I will always love him because he was who he was from beginning... to end.

14. "Jackxon Shyloh Duvall" - Born & Died: June 26, 2014
Adam Duvall (394 feet off of Mike Leake)

One who studies mayflies should not name a mayfly, since their life spans are so short. But here I am, Dr. Emelia Berkshire, naming one of my subjects. Boy, do I feel like a dumdum. I couldn't help it. Jackxon was soaring, majestic, even, and I thought I'd get to spend a little more time with him and maybe even some of his descendants. Alas...