Series Previews

The Giants are playing the Cardinals, so let's rank our most-hated teams

A Team From Los Angeles Is The Most Hated, And You'll Never Guess Who They Are.

By Grant Brisbee@GrantBrisbee May 29, 2014, 1:43pm PDT

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It's the Cardinals again. Deploy the incendiary devices.

Or, for the younger crowd:

They are the worst, just the worst. And when you tell them that, they crinkle their nose and say, "Well, I'm so sorry you feel that way." It's cool, though, that they seem to beat the Dodgers at just the right time, which makes for an uneasy alliance. It was like the U.S. and the Soviets, teamin' up in WWII! Which would make the Dodgers ... okay, I'm not at all comfortable with extending that analogy too far, but you get the point.

Tommy Lasorda is at least a little like the Red Skull, you have to give me that. Just on smell alone, I'm assuming.

This brings up the perfect opportunity for us to rank our most hated teams. The Cardinals are good, always good, and they're going to keep being good long after we're complaining about Brian Sabean signing a 38-year-old Manny Machado. They should rank quite high on this list I'm about to pull out of my nether regions. I think I've done this before, so I'm curious to see who's movin' up on the hate rankings.

1. Dodgers

Absolutely the only option. If you're not putting the Dodgers up here, you are a spiny echidna laying eggs and a total freak and I am not comfortable with you in here.

2. Yankees

If the Dodgers were in the World Series against the Yankees, for whom would you root? This site would turn into Guidry Gossip, believe me.

What about Yankees/Rockies, though? I ... I'm not sure about that one. I think I'd actually go with the Rockies, so the Yankees have to rank here. It's a combination of jealousy on my end and arrogance on theirs. Though I will say that I'd rather have a Dodgers/Yankees World Series than a Cardinals/Yankees World Series. At least I'd have a team to root for.

3. Cardinals

See above. Plus, it's fun to hate an older franchise with so much history. It's always fun to be the pedantic twit when someone mentions Ozzie Smith as one of the unabashedly beloved players in baseball history. 'Cause he's kind of a ghoul. Again, do the test. A Cardinals/Rockies NLCS might make me a slight and begrudging Rockies fan.

4. Rockies

Because even when they moisten their balls, the place isn't quite the baseball we're used to. It will always be forever off, the third answer in a baseball game of telephone, where it's not so ridiculous that it's unintelligible, but removed enough from the original point to make it annoying.

Also, Dinger.

Also, also, Todd Helton's goatee.

5. Diamondbacks

This is Bud Selig's fault. I still hate the unbalanced schedule, even if I get the idea behind it. There is just so much Diamondbacks in a season, and it's all irritating. They're basically tied with the ...

6. Padres

I wrote this because I was out of other ideas and sick of writing about the Padres, mostly, but they're just as annoying as the Diamondbacks. We're a long way removed from the dornk-and-flink Padres from the 2010 season -- and, really, that worked out okay after all -- so those scars are fading. Like the Diamondbacks, they're only a truly loathsome team if they're the ones making the Giants' life miserable.

7. Marlins

Imagine a Marlins/Padres NLCS. Oh, it's coming. If not here, then in an alternate universe in which you think you're happy. I'd almost have to go Marlins, though, which would nibble at my being and sense of self.

This is a good spot to remind you to read Jeb Lund on Jeffrey Loria's Peanuts book. I own the book and was going to write something on it, but I'm glad he got there first because he destroyed it in a way I would be incapable of.

8. Red Sox

I rooted for them in the 2007 World Series. I had to throw a week's worth of clothes away because of the weird, overcooked-garlic smell. They're the Yankees, just not as much. I'm a little surprised they're only at #8, but look at those horrible teams ahead of them.

Now picture Shane Victorino and A.J. Pierzynski on the same team, arms over each other's shoulder, doing the BOM BOM BOM part of "Sweet Caroline."

Maybe there should be a recount on these votes ...

9. Braves

ohhhhhhohhhhhhhohhwhooooawhoooooooaaaa
whoooooaaaaaohhhhhohwoohwohwwwhoaaaaa

10. Angels

Still the worst, even if there's been happier times since 2002. Well, still the 10th-worst, at least.

11. Phillies

Ha ha, it's so adorable to remember that rivalry. We were so young and stupid. I don't even dislike them anymore. They're making the list just to remember how worked up we all were.

12. Nah

Every other team is either cool or not uncool enough to loathe. I'd be cool with a Brewers/Orioles World Series, just because. Or an Indians/Cubs World Series would be really neat. Also, not going to lie, I'm really into the idea of a Giants/Astros World Series this year, too, for multiple reasons.

There you go. Before you answer, picture the team you're about to rank against any other team in a playoff series. We've seen Cardinals/Dodgers. We haven't seen Cardinals/Padres. I think ... I think I would go Padres. It's hard to admit, but that's how obnoxious the Cardinals are. And you know that saying: Once you go Padres, you never go to Petco Park.

You suck, Cardinals. Boooooooooo. Boooooooooooooooooo.