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San Francisco Giants Link Dump, 5/22

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There's a link dump in my ear, and he tells me to burn things

Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Lotta injury talk in the link dump today. It's almost as if there have been more injuries than usual this year, and perhaps the team I root for (the Giants, FYI) had a couple injuries last night.

Jose Fernandez's Tommy John tale takes an unsettling turn
In the wake of Fernandez's injury, his lawyer released a bizarre statement that no one else involved in the situation (Not Jeffrey Loria, or the Marlins front office, or Scott Boras, or even Fernandez) seems to agree with. That seems like a well thought out legal strategy.

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First-quarter MLB awards
Jayson Stark sums up the first 40 games of the season. The Rockies are surprisingly good, the Rays are surprisingly bad, and Bruce Bochy is the best manager in the NL. These all seem like totally uncontroversial statements that everyone here will agree with wholeheartedly. My only issue with this article is that we don't get enough "LOL DBACKS" from it. Though to be fair, I guess that sort of thing is like pie: No matter how much you get, you always want a little more.

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Darren Rovell Visits The 9/11 Memorial Museum
I have never once read a Darren Rovell joke that made me think something like, "Hey, lay off the guy." This is because Darren Rovell is awful and should be mocked and/or disregarded at every turn. But what if you're at a turn and you're not sure how to choose between mockery or disregardation? Here's a guide: If someone shows you anything Rovell said, mock. Otherwise, disregard.

I'm glad I could help you and I hope this has helped me get #branded as an expert on dealing with Darren Rovell.

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Was Miguel Olivo's alleged ear-biting unprecedented?
As we have discussed, recently Miguel Olivo bit off part of Alex Guerrero's ear because GOOD GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT MAN. SB Nation's Steven Goldman took a look through baseball history to see if there have been any comparable incidents. And while there have been some pretty awful things that happened - a shattered jaw from being punched too hard, for example - there's no real comparison for the kind of ludicrously myopic morality-free fit of reprehensibility in the Albuquerque dugout.

So, yeah, pretty good fit in the Dodgers organization.

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Felix Doubront strains shoulder after bumping into car door
In Colorado's clubhouse, Jeremy Affeldt checks the news from the baseball world.  "Hit by a car door? Is EVERYONE trying to out-Affeldt me?" He remembers Matt Cain's sandwich-slicing accident...Gio Gonzalez getting a rug burn from his dog...and now this? "This is too much," Affeldt says. "These people need to know who the real king is." Affeldt very carefully breaks a seal on his locker and removes a pack of bubble gum, a cheese grater, and a skateboard. "They'll see," he says, cackling madly. "They'll ALL see!"

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L Ron Hubbard using the tools of Scientology to find out if tomatoes experience pain
And yet, scientific literature represses this important experiment. I blame psychologists.