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San Francisco Giants Link Dump, 5/16

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I hope when you think of me years down the line, you can't find one good link to dump

THAT'S GOING REALLY FAST WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO
THAT'S GOING REALLY FAST WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO
Koji Watanabe

The Giants are playing the Marlins this weekend, so let's all get together and hope that a minor hip injury to Tim Hudson is the only manifestation of the Marlins Death Fog this year.

Is Alfredo Despaigne Coming To MLB? The Fascinating Decisions Ahead For Cuba's Star Outfielder
Alfredo Despaigne has been playing in Mexico using what appears to be a false passport, and now he's been found out.  This isn't a great situation for him, but if he wants to come to America, there are possibilities that would now make his decision a little easier. I, of course, think the Giants should sign him, because dingers, even though I don't know where he would play. Fifth base? Inner outfield? Wherever, man. Just sock some taters and try to out-bat flip Puig and I'll be happy.

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Doping experts would prefer to give athletes lenient punishment in exchange for information
Sure, these so-called "experts" insist that harsher punishments aren't really helping get rid of steroids as much as deals for information would, but what do they know anyway? They don't understand what it's like on the mean streets of Baseballtown, having to let the hoodlums know that you mean business. These "experts" just sit in their ivory towers, sipping $12 Budweisers, having no idea of the sordid truth behind keeping our streets safe. Sometimes to defeat the criminals, you have to become the criminals.

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PressPasses
I had never heard of Jim Kern before I read this story, and now I basically consider him the greatest person who's ever lived. Well, second greatest, I guess, behind Frenchy. If someone tells me about Kern inventing Bacon Tuesday in the 70s, though, there won't be any competition at number 1.

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A look at the Atlanta Braves' Dominican Academy
In case you're looking for an example of how teams' academies work in the Dominican Republic, Talking Chop has a rundown on how the Braves operate their camp. Obviously, since we root for the Giants and are uniformly very moral people, the Giants' setup is better in every way: it pays more, it offers better education, the baseball instruction is superior...the list goes on. We know this is true because we all root for the Giants due to an objective assessment of their virtues, and certainly not because of accidents of geography! Why, if that was the case, sports would be meaningless and we'd all be wasting our time here talking about them. Good thing that's not the case.

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The Slowest(-Working) Team in Baseball History
Has it seemed like Giants games this year have taken more time than in the past? You're right! You're very smart. But at least you're not a fan of the Rays (and there are a lot of reasons to be thankful for that). The 2014 Rays are by far the slowest team since Pitchf/x started keeping track of the pace of games in 2008, and our Giants are the second slowest. I guess I'm kinda proud of them for committing to something, but I'm reserving my wholehearted praise until they really earn it by getting the entire pitching staff to Moscosian levels.

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Humanitarians of Tinder
Obviously any one of these people would be a catch, and it was nice of them to let us know that.