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Okay, fine, Barry Bonds is not the Home Run King

I give up.

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Jed Jacobsohn

This … this will never die. Here's the commissioner of baseball -- literally the commissioner of Major League Baseball -- talking about Hank Aaron being the True Home Run King:

Speaking with reporters after the ceremony, Selig was asked about Aaron being called the true home run king.

"I'm always in a sensitive spot there, but I've said that myself and I'll just leave it at that," Selig said.

I'm working to solve this riddle, but I haven't received official confirmation yet.


Hopefully, we hear soon.

But let's not bicker. Let's not fight among ourselves, baseball fans. Let's find some compromise. We can all agree on the following:

Hank Aaron is the Home Run King

It's mostly ceremonial now, not like it was in the old days, when he actually wielded power, but the people still get a kick out of having royalty. He's an American treasure, people love him, and there's no sense in making him give up the crown.

Babe Ruth is still the Sultan of Swat

It's a hereditary title, like "king", so he doesn't have to give it up. He did it on hot dogs and beer, too, so that was kind of cool. He literally had sex with several Baltimore-area prostitutes on a pile of hot dogs and beer. That's not how he planned it. That's just how it happened.

Willie Mays is the Home Run President

The people's choice, democratically elected in a fair election, with voters factoring in the years Mays missed to fight in the Korean War.

Willie McCovey is the Home Run Vice-President

Just because he's behind someone in the pecking order doesn't mean that he's without enormous power.

Alex Rodriguez is a disgraced Home Run Senator

He took a bribe or texted Too $hort lyrics to an underaged intern or some such. He should not have done that, and now the world of home run politics has forgotten about him.

Dave Kingman is the Home Run City Commissioner

His brother-in-law is the mayor, and that's basically how he got the job. He's also a total ass and thinks he owns the place.

Jeff Kent is the Home Run County Sheriff

Because mustache.

Norm Cash is the Home Run Comptroller

Mostly because of the name. Only because of the name, really.

Jose Canseco is the Home Run Jimmy Carter

That's not really a title, but the parallels of a goofy brother and unrealized promise needed to be addressed somewhere.

Jim Thome is the Home Run Esteemed Leading Knight of the Benevolent and Protective Order of Home Run Elks

He travels from city to city, visiting the local lodges, eating good food and spinning yarns.

Barry Bonds is the Home Run Emperor of All, Pharaoh of the Infinite Void

… all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-feared …

"… and Bonds said unto yon pitcher, 'The time of reckoning is upon thee ... "

"… For I am the Home Run Light and Truth, and thine who are not absolved shall be destroyed …"

"… I am become death, destroyer of baseballs …"

"… even without your participation all the pitchers standing arrayed in the opposing armies shall cease to exist …"

" … I am vengeful and spiteful, and demand tribute …"

" … fear me and you may pass through unscathed, but only if I am feeling merciful …"

"…which I am not ..."

"… I am Barry Bonds, Home Run Emperor of All, Pharaoh of the Infinite Void …"

" … none will be spared."

"None will be spared."

Hope that clears everything up, and I'm glad we could reach a compromise.