Giants waste everyone's time, lose to Rockies 8-2

It's the Internet. The nights are dark and filled with hyperbole. Everywhere you turn, there's another listicle reading "11 Of The Greatest Cat Videos That Will Change Your Life." Everything's the best or the worst or the most or the least. You're numb to those qualifiers, now. You might still click, but in no way do you believe those cat videos will actually change your life.

I'm in a tough spot, here. Because on Monday night, the Giants played the dullest, lousiest game in a decade. Really. I don't have the supporting evidence, and I haven't gone through the schedules from previous years, but I can't imagine there being a duller, lousier game. Consider:

• It was over before the end of the first inning
  
  
• Both teams played like they were getting paid by the full count, slowing the game to a crawl at every opportunity
  
  
• Them: grind grind grind grind grind dinger
  
  
• Us: grind grind grind grind grind double play
  
  
• On the other channel: an exciting playoff game in a different sport that suddenly seemed more appealing, more tempting, possibly superior
  
  
• Behind the plate: A grown man in a triceratops costume. Possibly the worst grown man
  
  
• Two runs in Coors Field, one of which scored on an error
  
  
• Two runs in Coors Field, one of which scored on an error

You can pile on as you see fit. The Giants' season is kinda sorta built around the starting pitching improving; the starting pitching today was even worse than could be reasonably anticipated. There were injuries. Every pitch was a 1-1 curveball that finished a foot outside and was never in danger of being hit. The Giants couldn't score runs in the best run-scoring environment in baseball. This game was your blind date singing Hakuna Matata for the entire dinner. You wanted to hit the eject button early and often, but you had to stay and finish it out because you're polite or superstitious or both.

Wait, you didn't stay? You watched the Warriors? Don't tell me, you lucky bastard,  I DVR'd it.

Really, though, you've seen a lot of baseball. You've watched the good and the bad, the great and the worst. It's hard to remember a game that unwatchable, right? Nothing about what happened in that game reminded you of what you liked about the sport. It was at least the most unwatchable game of the year. But turn on that Internet hyperbole, and you'll get things like The Most Unwatchable Game In Baseball History.

That's probably not true. But I'm not going to dismiss the idea out of hand. Name one interesting thing the Giants did. Other than the huffstache that will haunt us when we close our eyes at night, that is. Name one thing that made you interested in this game, the San Francisco Giants, or the sport of baseball in general.

You can't do it. That game was aerosol codeine. The good news is that you're older than when the game started and closer to the date of your own death.

★★★

The Giants had five hits. They played their baseball game in Coors Field.

One of those hits came from David Huff.

★★★

It's probably time to set a mental expiration date for Ryan Vogelsong. He has the story, he has the hardware, and he has the eternal support of Giants fans everywhere. He probably doesn't have the command anymore. I'm not sure where it came from in the first place, but it was the cage in his Rube Goldberg machine. Even if everything else went wrong, excellent control was going to make everything else work. It was so fun to watch in 2011 and 2012.

It would help things if there were a prospect in Double- or Triple-A stridently making a case that he belonged with the major-league team. Everything's kinda unsettled there, too, so Vogelsong will get a decently long leash. Next in line is probably Yusmiero Petit, which might seem scary to you until you close your eyes and remember the first few Vogelsong starts from this season. It's not just possible that Petit might be better; at this point, it's probable.

Never bet against Ryan Vogelsong. But you don't exactly have to bet on him, you know.

My date is Saturday, May 3, against the Braves. If he's not giving the Giants two encouraging starts for every discouraging start, there has to be an alternative. Considering that he's working with about a one-to-six ratio of encouraging/discouraging right now, those seem like long, long odds.

★★★

The Giants allowed five home runs on Monday night. The Braves have allowed nine all season, just one behind the Padres.

★★★

Feckless.

/studio audience whoops and cheers

This team was feckless.

/studio audience claps and makes Arsenio noises.

They were so feckless.

/studio audience gets uncomfortable

So damned feckless.

/people start to leave; others check their cell phones

Feckless, by Calvin Klein would smell like Buster Posey's broken bat and the piece of stew lodged in Michael Morse's beard. Do not buy that cologne.

Everything will seem much, much clearer in retrospect. But two weeks into the season, the Giants have alternated between a team that hits like the '27 Yankees and a team that hits like the  '11 Giants. I have a guess as to which scenario is more likely. If they're going to pitch like the '07 Giants at the same time, hooo, it's going to be a long, long season.