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The Padres are possibly the world's most obnoxious sports team

Oh. Good. The Padres.

no one cares, go away
no one cares, go away
Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports

Oh, good, the Padres.


We have … what … 18 more of these games?


Okay, let's dig in.

Wikipedia defines the Padres as "a Major League Baseball (MLB) team based in San Diego, California." Wikipedia also alerted me to the fact that the Padres have retired Randy Jones's number. It is impossible to make up a Padresier fact. Jones did win a Cy Young, but he also has a career 100-123 record with a 101 ERA+. He is the San Diego Padres of players with retired numbers.

The Padres retired Steve Garvey's number. Steve Garvey is a Dodger who played for the Padres for four seasons and had one memorable hit for them. In two of those four seasons, Garvey had an OPS under .800, but don't worry, his defense was awful, too. This is much worse than retiring Randy Jones's number. This is the Ozzie Smith trade of players with retired numbers.

Tim Stauffer is the seventh-longest tenured Padre in franchise history. Wait, that might be the Padresiest fact. Hold on, there are so many ...

Let's take a look in the bullpen and see if there are new dillweeds with two first names. Like Nick Vincent. Is that guy new? Let's see … no, no, he was with the team for most of last year, and he was one of the best relievers in baseball. Or maybe he didn't exist last year, and the random two-named bullpen ace is like the Green Lantern, with different people cycling in and out.

The point is that I hate the Padres. It's a different kind of hate from the Dodgers, for sure. The Padres are like a high school paper on government corruption, reminding you that bad things exist, while also being boring as all hell and presented sloppily. They're a competent Coldplay cover band. They're creamy peanut butter on a piece of binder paper. They're … they just bug me. They bug me when it's time to play them, and then they bug me again when it's time to root for them against the Dodgers.

Is that 600 words yet? No? Okay.

So, the Padres.

The Padres are 7-9. Not this year. I mean, they happen to be 7-9 this year, but I'm talking about eternally. They are forever 7-9. They are the most 7-9 franchise in professional sports history. In September, when they're fighting for a playoff spot, they will still be 7-9. In January, when there hasn't been a baseball game in months, they will be 7-9. That doesn't mean they can't beat the Giants. Oh, heavens no, we know that. It just means they're forever 7-9. If they lose tonight, they will move to 7-9. If they win tonight, they will be 7-9.

Where does this antipathy come from? 1998? 2010? I don't know. Probably the last three decades of resentment, with the Rockies and Diamondbacks coming too late to the party to have really ripe annoyberries. I don't have this kind of simmering disgust for the Arizona Cardinals, either, the closest football comp to the Padres. There isn't an analog in the NBA ... the Padres stand alone.

You suck, Padres.

Here' s list of former Padres I can't stand:

Steve Finley
Steve Garvey
Steve Mura
Steve Arlin

Makes sense. The Padres are the Steve of professional sports.

Here's the All-Time Giants/Padres crossover team:

C - Benito Santiago
1B - Willie McCovey
2B - Derrel Thomas
3B - Chris Brown
SS - Tito Fuentes
LF - Kevin Mitchell
CF - Dave Roberts
RF - Ryan Klesko

P - Gaylord Perry
P - John Montefusco
P - Dave Dravecky
P - Ed Whitson
P - Brett Tomko
RP - Rod Beck
RP - Craig Lefferts
RP - Tim Worrell
RP - Mark Davis
RP - Alan Embree
RP - Clay Hensley

The only ones up there who don't annoy me are the ones who should never have been befouled with the poop yellow in the first place. Though I can't wait until the touching number-retiring ceremonies for McCovey and Perry.

You know what I hate more than the Padres? Writing about the Padres.

Is that 600 words yet? Good.