Vogelsong pitches well, game ends in savage, un-American chaos

Ryan Vogelsong pitched well. There was a tie game, which means your kid has to learn the metric system first thing in school tomorrow. Those are the important parts. You can go now.

But if you want to stick around, I can describe how well he pitched. My GIF machine is on the fritz -- really, who expects a computer to last two years? -- so I'll have to use words, like the baseball writers of yesteryear. Horrifying.

The two-seamer that Vogelsong threw tonight was …

The thing about Vogelsong's movement was that …

If there's an Updike quote that reminds me of Vogelsong's sinker, it's ...

Oh, screw this.

Vogelsong reminded me of the old Vogelsong, who was a benevolent Vogelsong. Don't make fun of me for paying attention to a spring game. I tuned in looking for movement and location, and that's what Vogelsong delivered. If there was another blowout, like in the Mariners game, tomorrow's post would have been about Edwin Escobar. Instead, lookie here, a game that reminded you why he was so good in the first place. Even the one homer he allowed was to a real hitter, Shin-Soo Choo.

The fastball was really, really running. It was sitting in the high-80s most of the night …

/pauses, takes nervous sip of water

… but it was running. The curve looked splendid, too. In two weeks, this guy's going to pitch every fifth game. Watching a guy throw a spring quality start (4 IP, 2 ER or fewer), which I just made up, is always welcome with two weeks left. Nice game.

Happy fun facts

• The Rangers have a left-handed Michael Kirkman who gave up 20 earned runs in 22 major-league innings last year.
  
  Don't underestimate the gravity of this situation. There's a left-handed Mike Kirkman who has impressive stuff that should lead to more success, but he allowed a million runs in limited time last year.

  
  My god. Mike Kickham knows what it feels like when doves cry.

• Andrew Susac hit an absolute bomb against Kirkman, sending a pitch well into the left-center bleachers. I've seen several prospect wonks talk up Susac as one of baseball's more underrated prospects, so any positive sign of live from his bat is encouraging. Posey was a closer, you know.
• Seriously, Vogelsong's two-seamer was running in on hitters' hands like a chainsaw! Rmmmmunmmmnnummnnummummmm!
  
  
• The worst part about that commercial is that now people don't get the reference, and that last bullet point makes me look even dorkier.
  
  
• Derek Law struck out prospect Michael Choice with a fuzzy breaking ball. Again, send prayers for my GIF machine, but that was magnificent to watch.

Grist for the pessimist mill

• The Rangers' TV broadcast invited sponsors into the booth for every inning after the fourth, and it made me realize that we're all spinning inexorably toward the black hole of oligarchy, destined to wake up with a bar code on our chest, a product that feeds on other products for the purposes of people who make products to make money to spend on products. America's Pastime became America's Foreboding of Imminent Demise, as mealy-mouthed stooges hawked poison burgers and numbing sedatives, both dressed in the guise of a pirate, though one was wearing a collar, ostensibly to fool us into complacency. We were not fooled. Welcome to Costco: I love you.
  
  
• Alright, maybe it wasn't that bad, but man, what a loathsome idea. Infomercials during a baseball game! I'd rather listen to Michael Milken play the harmonica.

Even though the Dairy Queen goof and Captain Morgan made it close, Vogelsong takes the day, and Happy fun facts win again. They're 12-1, you know. Man, this season is going to rule.