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Bronson Arroyo signs with Diamondbacks

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It was troublesome when the Diamondbacks signed Brandon McCarthy. The witty, affable star of baseball Twitter, on a hated rival? Dang.

It was troublesome when the Diamondbacks traded for Mark Trumbo. He's another affable fellow, the friend of a friend, and he likes heavy music that isn't typical baseball-heavy music. As in, his walkup music isn't Disturbed or Static-X. You have no idea how much that pleases me. Also, I am 14 and getting into music for the first time. Also, also: I like his dingers.

It was troublesome when the Diamondbacks signed Cody Ross. I know a lot of you have written that grinnin' fool off, but I haven't. And I don't like him in that magenta and whatever. It rankles.

So welcome to the Diamondbacks, Bronson Arroyo. Finally, someone to dislike. Also, he's already through six scoreless innings in his first game against the Giants.

If you're really interested in baseball-related opinions, you can find them here. Short version: The Diamondbacks are better with Arroyo, but I'm a little underwhelmed with their entire offseason. Still, the Dodgers might be the favorites in the division, but the Diamondbacks are going to be annoying. They're a complete and talented team.

Now they have one of my least favorite baseball players. Woo hoo! I'm sure I would have warmed to Arroyo if he were on the Giants, but his dooky-sloopin', foop-lobbin' ways are absolutely torture to watch when he's on the other team. And that part up there about considering musical tastes when evaluating which players I like? Arroyo sings Goo Goo Dolls songs without irony, an insult that's kind of the "your mother wears combat boots" of a new generation.

I share this only because I hate you and everything you stand for:


Which one do you want to hit with a pie first? Don't answer: It's a riddle with no correct answer. If you didn't make it to the end, try again. There's a surprise at the end, but you have to watch the whole thing. Seriously, keep going. Keep going ...