Grant is at the Winter Meetings, and he's getting some juicy scoops. How juicy? Juicier than OJ Simpson drinking Tropicana while squeezing a lemon and eating a rare steak. Also, OJ's in prison, but that isn't relevant to the metaphor. Too bad he couldn't be in a juice bar. That would really take it to the next level.
Now, Grant's been teasing us with hints on Twitter:
@fifthstarter I've heard so many danged rumors that start with "NOW THIS IS OFF THE RECORD" that I want to crawl back in bed.
— Grant Brisbee (@mccoveychron) December 9, 2014
But sadly, he can't let us know about any of those rumors:
@fifthstarter they'll tie me to the tree out front and throw pine cones at me
— Grant Brisbee (@mccoveychron) December 9, 2014
So this site can't share baseball rumors. But what it can do is share Brisbee rumors. Because GMs aren't the only ones wheeling and dealing. Grant, too, is trying to make things happen, kick some tires, do some due diligence. Here's what I've heard he's been trying to accomplish.
Get Pedro Feliz a Job
Did you know that Pedro Feliz is at the Winter Meetings? We can only assume Grant invited him there, and for a specific purpose too. Step 1 of The Plan is complete. Now onto Step 2...
Pedro Feliz: Hello, I am Pedro Feliz. I have played in the major leagues for a long time. I can still contribute at multiple positions, including-
Ned Colletti: I want you at catcher.
Feliz: I only caught once, and I don't think that-
Colletti: Backup catcher. $3 million. Take it or leave it.
Feliz: Well, I, I guess-
Colletti: You drive a hard bargain. We'll trade Ellis for nothing and Butera for less, and you're the starting catcher. How about that?
Feliz: Uh, well, sure, that's-
Andrew Friedman: COLLETTI! YOU BETTER NOT BE PROMISING CRAPPY EX-GIANTS JOBS AGAIN!
Colletti: Crap, gotta go. But real quick, we've got a hole in the outfield. Is Aaron Rowand around?
Incept The Word "Zobrist" Into Sabean's Subconscious
Brian Sabean, Bobby Evans, and John Barr enter an elevator. Sabean pushes "16."
Sabean: ...I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck!
They share a chuckle. There is a lull in conversation.
Ghostly voice: zoooooobrrissssttttttttt
Evans: That was weird. What was it?
Ghostly voice: zoooooobrrissssttttttttt
Barr: Do you think it's that guy?
Grant stands in the corner, looking nonchalant
Grant: Hey, I'm just minding my own business here
Grant: zoooooobrrissssttttttttt
Spread Mean Rumors About Chicago
Jon Lester is talking with a couple people at a party. Grant is on the other side of the room.
Grant: Ah-CHOO!
Grant: Sorry, I WAS JUST IN CHICAGO, THE HOME OF MANY AIRBORNE DISEASES
Lester doesn't notice
★★★
Jon Lester is at the bar, drinking a beer, checking his phone. Grant, several tables over, is also checking his phone.
Grant: Oh man, NO RECEPTION? WHERE AM I, CHICAGO, WHICH IS ALSO A PLACE THAT DOESN'T BREW ANCHOR STEAM? THAT'S AWFUL. WHAT AN AWFUL PLACE THAT NO ONE WOULD EVER WANT TO GO.
Lester lifts a finger and two security guards drag Grant outside, then throw him in the dirt, next to...
Al Yellon: You too, huh?
★★★
Jon Lester is sitting by the pool in a t-shirt. Grant , on a balcony several stories up, talks through a megaphone.
Grant: CHICAGO WEATHER MEANS THAT YOU COULDN'T DO THIS EVEN-
Grant's phone beeps. He sees a tweet that says Lester may get a 7-year deal. He takes a moment.
Grant: YOU'LL BE THERE DURING THE SUMMER. WEATHER'S A TOTAL NON-ISSUE. GOD BLESS.