You know when you have these links and they need to be dumped? I figured out how to take care of that. The best way is like this:
Mid-season 2014. Diamondbacks GM Kevin Towers sits down with Wade Miley.
Towers: Wade, we've been disappointed you haven't followed through on our suggestions regarding your diet.
Towers ducks behind his desk, then reappears a moment later wearing a fake nose and glasses.
Towers: Very disappointed.
Towers ducks down again and comes back normal.
Miley: Well, there's no need for me to be gluten-free, but can we talk about what just happened here?
Towers: Usually Gibby would join me to do part of this, but a rookie looked a veteran in the eye, so he's burning the kid's house down. You gotta learn sometime. When I have the glasses on, just treat me like you'd treat him. Now...
Towers puts the disguise back on
Towers: We want you to be gluten-free. Wheat is terrible.
Miley: Wheat is great. You're terrible.
Towers takes the glasses off.
Towers: Now, how would you address me?
Miley: So, so terrible.
BUT we have exclusive proof that this isn't the first time this has happened in the Diamondbacks organization. Let's go to the transcript:
Midseason 2004. GM Joe Garagiola sits down with Casey Fossum.
Garagiola: Casey, we just think you'd be having a better year if you listened to our experts.
Fossum: Not doing it.
Garagiola: C'mon, man, just give it a shot. You know it'll be good.
Fossum: It doesn't even make any sense! How am I supposed to eat nothing but bacon and get healthier?
Garagiola: Look, I'm not a doctor. And you're not a doctor. But you know who is? Dr. Atkins.
AND we can even go back to the very first time...
September 1998. Joe Garagiola sits down with a young Jeff Suppan.
Garagiola: Look, Jeff, we really think you should try it.
Suppan: This isn't medicine. Why would-
Garagiola: Trust us, we're listening to the best people on this one. I saw a guy on the Rosie O'Donnell Show talk about this. It's legit. Gets all the toxins out of your system.
Suppan: But how am I supposed to have the energy to pitch if I haven't eaten anything but juices for the last week? I need to-
Garagiola: Oh, that's not my problem. I sold you to the Royals half an hour ago. But try the juice thing! I hear good things.
One Star Yelp Reviews of MLB Stadiums
I think the Minute Maid Park one is the best, though the Dodgers review has a certain elegance. There is beauty in that simplicity. Still, as always, many of these negative Yelp reviews really reveal more about the person leaving them than the place they're trashing. The Citizens Bank Park one, in particular, is like freebasing pure, uncut Philadelphia. Mmm, reminds me of cheesesteaks, rudeness, and the Liberty Bell.
Hank the Wonder Dog is nominated for Dog of the Year
I don't like to tell you to do things, because your time is...well, maybe not valuable per se, but it's certainly not my time. But this is an important cause. Hank is up for Dog of the Year and you can vote for him. That's a contest ON THE INTERNET. You can see why this matters.