Hello. SB Nation's baseball sites aren't voting for their own MVP, Cy Young, or Rookie of the Year awards this year. Please, please, sit down. Order! Order! Let me explain. It was determined that while fun, there was no, you know, point. It also turned out that bloggers were just as terrible at voting as normal baseball writers, and that made everyone around here self-conscious. No, it's probably best that the awards slink away and think about what they've done.
In their place: Awards in categories that aren't covered by the BBWAA. Best eyes, class clown, most likely to sacrifice, that sort of thing. First up, though, we have to pick the funniest moment of the season.
I'll admit, I'm almost certainly going to screw this up. The baseball season is too danged long, and there's no easy way to retrace your steps and dust for funny. I combed videos, GIFs, and Vines, and I'm still sure that I missed some very, very funny and important moments. Yell at me in the comments.
In no particular order ...
Hunter Pence swearing a lot
It starts with Amy Gutierrez, so very hopeful, directing the camera to one of those famous Hunter Pence speeches. How will he inspire his teammates this time?
Before Pence starts in, someone yells "language!" That might be the best part. Hunter! Language! Remember the TV cameras!
Well, he certainly wasn't wrong. The Giants did have a lot of ... that ... stuff ... go wrong. My only regret with this video is that I can't find the tweet from the Dodgers fan who made fun of the Giants celebrating the second wild card spot.
The Pirates are awful, if but for a brief moment
That almost cost the Pirates home-field advantage in the Wild Card Game. Not that it would have mattered. Still, funny to think of. I watch this video every month, usually because I stumble on it looking for something else. I get what happened. Travis Snider thought the bases were already loaded, probably because Jean Machi was pitching, and he started loping to third. This came when the Giants were still in a death plummet, and it was needed.
And in that same game ...
Hey, beer face, nice beer for a face. We can laugh at it because a) she's alright and b) her son got the ball back. You'll see videos like this every year, but this one is a Platonic ideal of the genre. Right in the beer. With slow-motion. And there are great faces and such all around. From the recap:
1. The kid in the white jersey making a valiant effort.
2. Michael Morse pretending that he's athletic and missing the ball by eight feet.
3. The beer.
4. The beer-holding woman who was a gust of wind away from drinking her meals for the next month.
5. Mike Krukow's narration.
6. The guy who jumped on the freaking rail but forgot to catch the ball.
7. The kid in the black jersey whose eyes were closed.
8. The umpire who comes in at the last second to see if everything's okay.
Jean Machi runs 4.1 seconds to first base
Here's a video:
You time it. Here's Machi running, synced up with Gregor Blanco running:
Blanco beats him, but not by as much as he should. Note that Machi wasn't given a hit on that one, which is a crime.
Dammit, Pirates. What was your problem this year? Stop being so weird. Except, thanks for being weird enough to start Edinson Volquez in the most important game of the season.
Every time I think I'm expecting to know what in the hell is flying past the screen, the GIF repeats and it's still a mystery. Is it a manta ray? A puffin? A pigeon dressed up in a uniform because it is a crime-fighting pigeon? I'm on flying monkey for the moment, but that's subject to change.
Panda's unfortunate swing
Five years, $50,000.
When I try to swing this late in MLB: The Show, the computer doesn't let me. I get that Sandoval is trying to protect the runner (and possibly should have gotten the runner called out for interference), but it's still amazing to think of the neurons that had to fire for this swing to exist. The biggest upset is probably that Sandoval didn't hit it for a double.
Hunter Pence throws bat on 0-2 pitch, gets single
This was an early disturbance of the trolling force.
It was as if a million voices cried out "How in the hell?" at once, and were quickly annoyed. Or, wait, no, they were sucked into the jaws of an even year, where they were slowly digested over 10,000 Chevy/Kid Rock commercials.
Pence and Morse and Rule 34
The video is amusing.
There are good screenshots to be had:
But, really, taking things out of context for our interactive slash-fic is where it's at.
Oh, how I wish Morse were a great fielder so he could play in the same outfield as Pence for the next four years. Also, note that Morse looks like Pickford from Dazed and Confused.
Pat Burrell vs. Bruce Bochy acting like a buffoon
Bochy is a large human being. For whatever reason, though -- perspective? Burrell also being gigantic? -- he looks like a kid in this GIF. A big, nonsensical, goofy-ass kid. That's the first part of the GIF, and it's enough to make the list.
But not only does Burrell clobber the pitch, he walks off as if he's unironically mumbling, "Damn straight, Pat" or "Yeah, that's how you do it, Pat Burrell" or "Mmmpf, you're Pat Burrell, baby" or "Pat Burrell" under his breath. After this swing, he left, flew 1,000 miles, and hid out in your bedroom closet, hoping for a Big Jim Slade moment because that's his job now.
There's a poll. But you probably have alternative suggestions. I was going to end it with "The Giants actually won the World Series" and include that in the poll, but I didn't want to skew the results. We all know that was the funniest moment of the season. Troll the world. Pretend like you were serious while you were doing it. Well done, gentlemen. Well done.