In yesterday's big baseball news, OMG LOOK AT THE OTTER SO CUTE
Marlins, Giancarlo Stanton discussing record-breaking $300 million deal
Giancarlo Stanton has spent five years playing for a Grima Wormtongue-esque owner in an empty stadium, watching as the Marlins jettison players like they just noticed the team plane is too heavy. So if he has the chance to cash in with Miami – like, really, hot damn, you gotta be kidding me cash in – then good for him if he wants to take it. Just imagine the story they'll tell: Giancarlo Stanton, who crawled through a river of Loria and came out clean on the other side.
Mascots need pants, so we added the appropriate attire
For too long, mascots have been allowed to promote their radical anti-family agenda, corrupting the minds of our innocent children by showing them it's "okay" to not wear pants. It's about time someone took these perverts to task, and fortunately, Bill Hanstock is up to the job. We can take this country back from the creepy mascots and Larses of the world, and it starts one covered leg at a time.
How much would it cost to buy everything advertised in an NFL game?
Sure, this article is about football games, but you might be surprised to learn that during baseball broadcasts there are also many advertisements for products that you can purchase. Though if you decided you wanted all of them, that would cost a lot of money. Like, a LOT of money. Good thing you can somehow restrain yourself from buying that Lexus that you see every game, even though it looks really cool driving up a mountain. I don't know how you do it!
Yasmani Tomas deal with unknown team 'imminent'
Let me just start psyching myself up now for the Giants' new toy. Sure, people are saying that the Phillies are going to win the Tomas sweepstakes, but that can't be right, since it involves the Phillies winning something. Obviously the Giants' track record of World Series wins speaks for itself, and should be the main draw for Tomas to come to San Francisco. And since reports say that Tomas has more power than Jose Abreu, who hit 36 homers this year, we can safely deduce that Tomas will hit at least 40 homers annually. Man, it's gonna be fun to watch him in a Giants uniform, which he definitely will be, because that's what I want.