The Los Angeles Dodgers, for the 26th consecutive year, will not win the World Series, sources close to the organization have confirmed. The report comes after the Dodgers lost in the playoffs, again, to the Cardinals, again.
Sources suggest this will affect everyone on the Dodgers roster, as well as everyone in the Dodgers organization. Included in the players who will not win the World Series are noted Dodgers players Adrian Gonzalez, Yasiel Puig, Zack Greinke, Yasiel Puig, Clayton Kershaw, Matt Kemp, Yasiel Puig, Andre Ethier, as well as other players, notably Yasiel Puig.
An unconfirmed report out of St. Louis also suggests that Brian Wilson's nasty, grizzly beard of pestilence and despair will not be shown for the remainder of the postseason.
Here's a list of players who will not win the World Series this year:
Scott Van Slyke
Early reports also suggest that Tommy Lasorda, noted baseball personality and subhuman pig person, is unhappy right now.
Researchers have also announced that the last time the Dodgers won the Series, this was a commercial on television:
This was another one:
Congratulations to literally anybody else, and in the coming days, let's remember to move on to other important things, such as hating the Cardinals.