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How Jonathan Sanchez controls the world

Jeremy Guthrie is starting Game 3 of the 2014 World Series, just like he was supposed to.

Dilip Vishwanat

Jeremy Guthrie is starting for the Kansas City Royals in Game 3 of the World Series. I know a little bit about him, but not much. He's the pitcher who inspired the Jeremy Guthrie Award, which goes to pitchers who throw in the mid-90s despite sounding like soft-tossing Bronson Arroyo-types. He's from Ashland, which means I probably had to clean his dishes at Omar's* at least once. He has a Barry Zito kind of up/down pattern to his ERAs, with better ups and better downs. He is the very definition of a modern baseball innings eater, with repertoire of curve and change and slightly faster four-seam heater**.

I also know he was acquired by the Royals for Jonathan Sanchez.

This probably means something. Welcome to the Jonathan Sanchez Conspiracy. It's wild.

The beginning

In which we determine that Sanchez is a sleeper agent for ... for whom? Lasorda? Selig? Freemasons? Roger Mason? That part is fuzzy.

But he's clearly working against the Giants. His goal: Prevent a World Series win by any means necessary. Operation Bonerchin was the first step, and it was a go in the 2010 NLCS. The goal was to act like a total bonerchin in the second inning of Game 6, which was supposed to sabotage the Giants' chances to even make the World Series. Instead, Jeremy Affeldt saved the day, Juan Uribe hit a dinger, and the Giants were just fine.

Sanchez wasn't awful in the World Series, but he did lose the only game. We're not suggesting that he's doing this on purpose, mind you. He probably has a brain chip that's being controlled remotely.

The deal

After a bad 2011 season, Sanchez was dealt to the Royals for Melky Cabrera, who was taking forbidden drugs to stop being bad at baseball. Sanchez didn't know this, but the remote handlers did, and their tendrils extend into every front office in baseball. Dan Brown was supposed to write Moneyball and expose all this, but he stepped down when the publisher received too many threats.

So Cabrera comes over and gives the Giants hope, but a month before the playoffs (and after the trading deadline), he's pinched and essentially gone for the season. That was supposed to ruin the Giants' World Series chances.

The other side

Meanwhile, Sanchez pitches so horribly for the Royals, Dayton Moore finally realizes that he should probably acquire good pitchers. This epiphany is what leads to the Royals having a chance to break the Giants' hearts. Not only that, but he trades Sanchez to the Rockies in exchange for Guthrie, who was flailing and failing in Coors Field, considering that he's a pitch-to-contact player in the worst pitch-to-contact park of the last 40 years, though it's not like the Rockies could have predicted that or whatever.

Now Guthrie is on the Royals and set up to pitch Game 3 of the World Series, a crucial turning point of the postseason.

The release

The Rockies, unable to fix Sanchez, release him into the wild. He signs with the Pirates. To make room for Sanchez, the Pirates have to waive someone from their 40-man roster.

Sanchez's handlers arrange it to get him to the team who releases the exact pitcher who is going to suck cheese for the Giants in the 2014 postseason. At this point it's not a coincidence.

The prank call

This is when Sanchez called Brian Sabean and pretended to be a scout, then gave absolutely glowing reports on Dan Uggla. Probably.

To recap, we have Sanchez pitching poorly and acting odd in the 2010 NLCS, getting traded for the player who was suspended for the 2012 playoffs, then getting traded for the player who is going to start a game in the 2014 World Seres against the Giants, before he orchestrates a series of transactions that lead to the Giants having history's greatest dinger monster serving up ill-timed dingers in the postseason.

People, please, settle down. Everything's in motion by this point, there's nothing we can do. The only thing to remember is that so far, every attempt at sabotage has failed. The Giants won the 2010 NLCS and World Series without Sanchez's help. They won the 2012 World Series without Melky Cabrera's help. They made it out of the 2014 NLDS and NLCS despite Hunter Strickland's penchant for the wrong pitch at the wrong time. Now they have a chance to hit Jeremy Guthrie hard and make a statement.

This war is eternal. The minders are relentless and we must be vigilant. It all starts with Jonathan Sanchez, though, and we must be vigilant.


*Note: I was fired from Omar's after I took unexcused time off to take a bus home and attend a pre-game Q&A with Dusty Baker and Kirt Manwaring. No regrets.

** I've used that joke before. I'll use it again, too.