About 50,000 years ago, a young caveman moved into his first cave. Within seconds, the caveman's parents showed up with a box of rocks and dried lizards, dropped it off, and grunted "You take. We sick of keeping in cave."
It's an ancient tradition that's still alive today. My parents have been slowly dropping boxes of crap off at my house, sprinkling them around the garage like Andy Dufresne getting rid of prison walls. Usually, it's boxes of baseball cards. Do you want 5,093 different Vance Law cards? Do you know someone who might? E-mail me.
Recently, though, I got a box of crap that was filled with moderately interesting crap. It was a coup. And now, because it is most certainly January, here are the top 10 items I found in this box of crap.
Honorable mention: Proof that my mother hates me
I didn't buy this! Why is this in the box? Where did this come from? Why is it in my daughter's room at this very second alien-shucking and alien-jiving to absolutely no one's amusement?
My daughter thinks it's cute, by the way.
Meesa not tired. Meesa lonely.
Who said that? Is that you, Amelia? It's three in the morning. Hello?
Meesa not tired. Meesa wantsa attention. Meesa not happy with yousa. Meesa gonna gently place dis pillow over yousa face.
I tried to sell it on eBay, but eBay deleted my account because I violated their terms of service with the auction.
10. Picture of me with Don Zimmer
Thought that was Brett Butler creepin' in the background, but if Zimmer's in a Giants uniform, it had to be 1987.
Did you know that Zimmer was the third-base coach for the Giants in 1987? I vaguely remembered, but I thought it was me assuming Zimmer worked for every club at some point. He's worked for only nine, though.
Apropos of nothing, here's something I just found on Wikipedia:
9. Hot tickets to a hot club
Yeah, that's right. My mom and dad were Stadium Club members #5356 and 5357, respectively. Also, there was a Stadium Club in Candlestick. It featured:
- Several crates used as tables
- Room temperature Hi-C
- A sleeping, 19-year-old cat (don't let out)
- One signed Mike McCormick football
- Forty-six folding lawn chairs stacked in a pile against the wall, just go up and grab one, no big deal
That's more of a guess, really. I don't remember the Stadium Club at Candlestick. Sounds apocalyptic.
8. Adam Hyzdu rookie card
A whole set of 1990 Classic Draft cards, actually. The #1 card is Chipper Jones, which I'm assuming is worth at least $100 by now. Let's just look it up and no, but like I always say, you can't believe anything on the Internet, so probably $100.
7. Framed autograph pictures of me with Atlee Hammaker and Dan Gladden
I used to stare at Gladden's name as a kid, wondering where the "S" came from in his last name. It's one of the worst signatures I've ever seen.
As an adult, though, I'm more creeped out by Atlee's perfect penmanship.
6. A calendar that never moved past August, 1987
You could tell because that's where the thumbtack remained, and where August was kind of a spotty, dirty mess, September was clean as a whistle. Let's see what else is in this baby ...
"Yes, I can go to the game. Can you swing me by a Safeway to return these 20 bottles first?"
5. Unused World Series tickets
I had to e-mail these to a '90s historian to see exactly which World Series because I couldn't read the insane '90s fonts and colors. She assured me it was for the 1997 season. She also listens to a lot of Counting Crows.
Do you know how close we all were to having Wilson Alvarez bobbleheads? Just a couple of fluke series wins and a Dante Powell throw away. The Giants were going to have home-field advantage in the Series that year. Such a shame.
Thinking about bringing these to the park if the Giants get in the World Series in the next 20 years. I'll say I got them from a scalper, just to see if they take pity on me.
4. An ad I did for Pac Bell
It's not interesting that I posed for this ad. It is interesting what the ad's for. You could reach several people at the same time with just one phone call if you signed up for a special service. Can you imagine how convenient that would be? A way to get one message to a group of people instantly? You would pay a lot of money for that service. Just a ton.
No idea why it didn't take off.
3. This rad Billy Martin drawing
The A's are my second team, and it's a distant second, but there has to be a place for this in my house. I need to investigate who the umpire is, too.
2. This Will Clark picture with sad attachment
I probably got the picture signed at a baseball card show, and I forgot I had it. It's a neat, personalized Will Clark autograph, and I enjoyed seeing it again.
But it's the sad, unused ticket that makes it worth sharing. Why include that? Why put that with the Clark picture on purpose? Look at how awesome those seats would have been: third row, section 3, lower reserve.
The good news is that I found a signed picture of Candy Maldonado in a frame, so I just slid the ticket into that one.
1. Johnny Lemaster
That's the back of a Mother's Cookies box, and I was kind of giddy to find it. Ol' Boo, Johnny LeMaster. Oh, how we would have hatejoyed him on this site if it existed back then.
But this was just the start. Here, I'll Upworthy it.
One man found an autograph of one of his childhood heroes. The picture he found in the bottom of the box will make you smile all day.
That's me getting the autograph. I had no idea OH GOD LOOK AT THE ORANGE this picture existed THAT ORANGE NO NO NO AVERT YOUR EYES, and I'm almost certain it was at Kaiser Hospital in Redwood City WHY IS THAT YELLOW SUBMARINE ORANGE WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THE EARLY '80S HAHAHA ORANGE PANTS REALLY.
My dad insists that I told LeMaster he couldn't hit. That seems ... a little too perfect. I'm all for a little foreshadowing, but that's too much, too neat.
Note: I'm still missing the picture of three-year-old me covering my mouth because I said "dammit" in front of Willie McCovey, which is a picture that actually exists and chronicles one of my very first memories.
It … McCovey-chronicles one of my first memories, you might say.
Thank you for humoring this very self-indulgent post. It was really just an excuse to post that LeMaster picture, which is now in a frame on my desk, where it will live forever.