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Vote Pence

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He is not Puig.

Garrett Ellwood

There are a lot of reasons to keep Yasiel Puig out of the All-Star game. Jealousy, spite, irrational homerism, unfettered rage, schadenfreude, bitterness. And these are all excellent, excellent reasons. They're irrational reasons. We're talking about something in which you get happy or sad when men in pajamas hit a ball with stick. It's all irrational.

In this irrational universe, I want to see two things:

1. More Hunter Pence
2. Less Yasiel Puig

If you vote for Hunter Pence, you're voting for a slim chance that he'll accidentally bring a bat with him to the field. You're voting for a guy who throws a baseball like he has a bicycle chain running from his elbow to where his navel would be. You're voting for one of the more pleasantly surprising stories of the Giants' season, last two weeks excepted.

You're voting for this:

Screen_shot_2013-07-08_at_8
Dennis Wierzbicki-US PRESSWIRE

And this:


If you're voting for Puig, you're voting for this:

Joe Buck: puuuuuuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig puig puiiiiiiiiiig drone drone puig puig drone drone puiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig

Tim McCarver: In my opinion, what he doesn't do when he's approaching the warning track is as unimportant as what he didn't think to do when approaching the warning track, which makes him the most exciting player since Bobby Tolan, at least with regards to warning tracks, in my opinion.

Joe Buck: /rolls around on floor, eyes in back of his head

Joe Buck: puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig puig

That's not an All-Star Game. An All-Star Game is when a bunch of Giants get elected and rough up Justin Verlander to win home-field advantage that actually helps them win the World Series. It's for established stars, not a showcase for newfangled bands like Angry Francoeur and the Pan-Flashes.

...

Though it is kind of fun to watch Puig run around like a berserker out there. What's he going to do next? Probably bite an umpire. Maybe dig out a little area behind second base and pop out like a trap-door spider to scare a runner. Sky's the limit.

But that's rational. We're talking irrational, so nuts to the Dodgers and nuts to Puig. If he's really Jeff Francoeur, this will be his best shot at an All-Star Game. If he's really this good, we won't get a chance to keep him out of All-Star Games. Either way, it works out for us. Except for the part where he's one of baseball's best players for the next decade. That would be a less preferable option, if you had to pin me down.

And so far, the masses haven't rallied to Puig:

I'd be okay with Freeman making it.


No, no, thank you, Freddie. But, really, I'm voting for Pence. He's half-mascot, half spirt-animal. He's also on the Giants and he's not Yasiel Puig.

Vote Pence. Vote Pence or he'll stand over your bed at night and make clicking sounds.

Vote Pence.