The Giants are at the White House right now, and there will be a live stream at SFGiants.com. This is pretty obviously a bittersweet event for the Giants, who are awful, but being feted for being the best in the world, even though they are currently awful. Still kind of cool.
Whatever. There are other awful teams who don't have the narcotic of the recent past to forget all this. So for a few hours, let's all forget GETTING SWEPT BY THE CUBS AT HOME EVEN THOUGH IT FEELS LIKE THE BASES WERE CONSTANTLY LOADED WITH NO OUTS or whatever because that's not important today. Less important today, at least.
To celebrate, here's a top-ten list of things I'm hoping to hear in a couple hours. Like David Letterman! Everyone still thinks those are funny, right? Oh. Well, I've written them already, so here you go. Your submissions are welcome in the comments of course.
"Under the terms of my plan, the Giants would be able to put a player on the disabled list right away instead of playing with a 24-man roster."
"Yeah, come on back when you're not with everyone, Buster. I'll show you where the bathrooms are, tell you how to pick a cabinet out ... I think that's pretty much it. But it won't hurt for you to be prepared so you know what you're getting into. "
"This is probably pretty awkward, what with you being so awful right now. Awkward to celebrate at the White House, I mean. For you. Awkward for you. Because you're so awful."
"You're almost certainly going to the Rangers, Hunter. I can't tell you exactly where we heard that, but you can probably start apartment shopping. Trust me."
"The memo was just us being proactive with our interns, don't read too much into it, Mr. Francoeur. We were told you were the 'Pat Burrell of 2013,' so we just wanted to make sure the interns could identify you to avoid a repeat from last time."
"And, lastly, I'd like to present this to George Kontos, who has ... what's that? Oh. Well, that sucks."
/Biden pulls out thong, Zoolander-style
/aide whispers in his ear
"What happened in 2010? I pulled my underwear out because I felt like it and it's hilarious. Biden!"
/puts hand up for a high-five
"So I guess this Belt kid is like the Obamacare of baseball, right? Getting people all worked up like he's the worst thing ever conceived, even though he's flawed, but not the end of the world, and probably kind of useful? I want to meet him."
"Good lord, your head is large. I mean, I know I've met you before, but that's not something you get used to. "
"… and after awarding Willie Mays the Baddest Son-of-a-Bitch in the Universe Medal, we are both going to the moon, where I will finish out my term. Mays will be my only advisor on the moon. Because he is the baddest son-of-a-bitch in the universe. Later, suckers."