Tim Lincecum looks like everyone in the world

This is almost certainly the second-most important post in the history of McCovey Chronicles. The most important post is obvious: The one when news broke about Tim Lincecum's haircut. Until now, it's been a scramble for second place.

After Tim Lincecum's haircut, there were opinions. People had opinions, big opinions, and fresh takes. Some of them even had hot takes. First, the picture that sent the Internet ablaze, from Alex Pavlovic:

The burning question: Who did Tim Lincecum look like?

Collecting this kind of instantaneous Internet response is a project too big for one man. So I turned to Google for some help, searching for the exact query "Lincecum looks like." Here's a review of the findings, excluding the one from FreeRepublic that I wasn't about to click.

Hypothesis: K.D. Lang

Source: Too many people

Visual evidence:

via commons.wikimedia.org

Verdict: Lazy. Lang has cherubic features, whereas Lincecum has angular features. Short, dark hair as a proxy for K.D. Lang is like a scout comparing every skinny Dominican with a changeup to Pedro Martinez. It's an instant excuse to ignore whatever the person has to say next.

Hypothesis: Rachael Maddow

Source: A bunch of jokesters on the Internet again.

Visual evidence:

via commons.wikimedia.org

Verdict: Better than K.D. Lang, at least. This time it's the hair and glasses, and Maddow has sharper features than Lang. But the game of "Let's pick a lesbian to match with Tim Lincecum's new haircut!" is annoying at best, offensive at worst. If you look at the two for more than a second, you can see the comparison falls apart, which makes me wonder what people are really laughing at.

Hypothesis: Buddy Holly

Source: This Lowell Cohn column

Visual evidence:

via upload.wikimedia.org

Verdict: Not even close. I think Cohn just noticed that people are wearing black-rimmed glasses again. It's only been a couple decades or so.

Hypothesis: Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Source: Big League Stew

Visual evidence:

Verdict: I'm not sure if it's a good comp, but at least it's the first one that's not supposed to be a point-and-laugh comparison. Also of note: I just found out that Levitt was the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun, like, a year ago. Also also of note: Lincecum got Levitt comps before the haircut, too, based on previous iterations of Levitt's haircut

Hypothesis: Natto

Source: Natto's Facebook page, which I check regularly but am not about to link

Visual evidence:

Verdict: lol

Hypothesis: McLovin

Source: The Internet

Visual evidence:

Verdict: Nope. See, I'm sensitive about this stuff because I had long hair and glasses in high school, and everyone would say I looked like (everyone with long, blond hair and glasses), and it got old real quick.

In retrospect, I actually did kind of look like the nerd in Dazed and Confused who tells Beck's wife about his Abraham Lincoln dream, so maybe they were right. Still, it's not fair, dammit. YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND SAYING PEOPLE LOOK LIKE CHARACTERS FROM DAZED AND CONFUSED, FOLKS.

Hypothesis: Alan Cumming

Source: person on Twitter

Visual evidence:

via upload.wikimedia.org

Verdict: Not bad. Not bad at all. This picture is from WikiMedia because I'm trying not to get sued, but if you search for Alan Cumming glasses, there are some good comps. It's more of a face thing, not a hair thing, so it's imperfect. But it's pretty good.

Hypothesis: Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Source: person on Twitter

Visual evidence:

Verdict: Still one of the best, even more so that Lincecum's hair is short again. If only he had black-rimmed glasses ...

Hypothesis: "guy from Weezer"

Source: Person on Twitter (with a Rush-based handle!)

Visual evidence:

Verdict: Whoa. The second from the right. This is probably the winner. Tim Lincecum's got Ace Frehley, and he's got Peter Criss. See? Much better than Rachael Maddow.

So it's settled. Tim Lincecum looks like some guy from Weezer. And in case you were wondering, here's a list of people Tim Lincecum looked like before he cut his hair:

• Mitch Kramer from Dazed and Confused (source)
• Loki from The Avengers (amazing source)
• Arlo Guthrie (source)
• Kuzco from Emperor's New Groove (source)
• Opera Man (source)

And two more that deserve special consideration:

The first is one of the most wretched examples of the Internet you'll ever see, and it's so bad that it moved from "I'm not gonna link to that," to "Look … people should know that humanity is awful so they don't feel bad when everything goes all Walking Dead." The link in question, and the text:

What up Barstool. My bro was sitting around watching the Braves/Giants game and realized that skinny dick Tim Lincecum looks just like that bitch Mona Lisa. Anyways, check out this hilarious pic and GO BRAVES!!!

There are five things in that short passage that would make me take a claw hammer to my own crotch to prevent my DNA from escaping into the wild. "What up Barstool." Gonna write an e-mail that starts with, "What up Barstool. My bro was sitting around …"

And on that note, here's a picture that came up in the Google search: A Braves fan holding up a sign reading "Tim Lincecum looks like a 14-year-old homeless girl." Interesting theory! Let's check the tape.

Nope, nope. For a second I thought I saw something, but then I lost it. Hold on, lemme watch the video again.

Conclusion: Tim Lincecum looks like everyone in the world, apparently. And now you know.