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On the A's playing at AT&T Park ...

Robert Meggers

I've sat on this article for well over 24 hours now, and I'm still not sure what to think of it. It's so abstract, so out there. It's like someone asking you "How many tarantulas would you eat for $100,000?" I don't know. A few. A lot. More than I'd like. What was the question again?

So here goes. Major League Baseball might help the A's play at AT&T Park, according to professional rapscallions Matier and Ross:

Major League Baseball would help the Oakland A's move across the bay and play at rival Giants' AT&T Park in San Francisco if Coliseum officials don't come to terms on a new short-term lease for the team, sources tell us.

The A's two-year home stint at AT&T Park, which would start next season, would probably be the first step toward moving the team out of the Bay Area.

It's … wait, wait, wait. This has a lot of layers. It's not just tarantulas. Now you're told they're singing tarantulas. And before you can process that, you're guaranteed they'll taste like delicious salted caramels. There's so much nonsense flying at you, so many conflicting notes, it's impossible to pick the right thing. You just know it's all hypothetical, and some stoner in a dorm room came up with the scenario in the first place.

First, would there be anything in it for the Giants?

Why would the Giants give their OK? Start with the rent money - probably enough to pay for a shortstop or two.

Okay, that's … wait, a shortstop? Dingers, dammit. Dingers. Or Masahiro Tanaka. Both? Both. You know, I could get into this …

Also, I'll divulge a horrible secret: It's much, much easier and financially realistic for me to take my two kids to an A's game. Right now my default spur-of-the-moment move is San Jose, but if there were major-league games 15 minutes away at A's prices? That would be awfully convenient. So more money for Giants payroll and a cheaper major-league option for my family? Sounds delightful so far.

The other part of the bargain isn't as palatable, though. The part where the A's would leave the Bay Area. I want the A's to stay out of San Jose because I'm convinced the Giants will lose potential revenue over the next few decades if it happens. Less revenue, less chance to sign Skippy Bumgarner to a 12-year deal in 2040.

But if I had my choice of the A's in San Jose or the A's in Las Vegas, I take the former without much thought. I like having an American League team around. The Giants wouldn't have the same advantages they enjoy now, but from a fan perspective, it would be pretty hard to quantify exactly what the San Jose A's would cost the Giants. The baseball would go on, and the effects would be more noticeable for the people cashing dividend checks, I'd guess.

Also, this is never going to happen. What if they weren't tarantulas, but salmon that screamed like a human child with every bite? Or what if ...

Never going to happen. Interesting to think about! But never going to happen. If the Oakland Giants couldn't happen, this one probably doesn't have much of a chance, either.