Giants release 2014 promotional calendar for first half

Every year, the Giants give away free stuff. You have to pay real money for the tickets used to acquire the free stuff, but that's a technicality. I love free stuff. I still have my Mother's Cookies cards from the '80s. I still have the Beach Boys/Giants poster from the '80s, even though I can't wash the stench of Mike Love off it. Free Giants stuff is the best.

There are awesome promotions in the first half of this year. There are ... less interesting promotions. There are promotions that require a kid, so see if you can reserve one now to rent later because they go quickly. I'll separate the promotions into categories and then rank the ones I would stab you for (which I won't have to do because they're free!)

Functional

Tue, April 8 - Diamondbacks
Calendars

Sat, April 12 - Rockies
Sports Bag

Wed, April 16 - Dodgers
Magnet Schedule

Sun, May 25 - Twins
BBQ Aprons

Mon, May 26 - Cubs
Beach Towel

These are all things you can, and often do, use. I use beach towels when I get wet. I check calendars when I want to know dates. I will use these things either way, but these ones have Giants logos on them, so they're much better.

For the kids

Sun, April 13 - Rockies
Sports Sleeves

Sun, April 27 - Indians
Giants Replica Bat

Sun, May 18 - Marlins
Buster Posey Kids T-Shirt (with $10 donation to Jr. Giants)

Sat, June 7 - Mets
Sergio Romo Super Hero Socks

Sun, June 29 - Reds
Belt & Crawford Growth Chart Banner

"Daddy? Have you seen my Romo s..."
"No."

I got a huge Atari-sponsored bat in 1982, and I remember being disappointed that it was Chili Davis. My brother got Jack Clark, and I was jealous. Joke's on him. Chili Davis is awesome and Jack Clark sullied himself with the Cardinals and Dodgers.

Not my cup o' joe

Thu, April 10 - Diamondbacks
Giants Scarf

Fri, May 16 - Marlins
Tim Lincecum Orange Friday Jersey T-Shirt

Sat, May 17 - Marlins
Fedora

Sat, May 24 - Twins
Giants Cap

Sun, June 8 - Mets
Hello Kitty ® Giants Plush

Sun, June 15 - Rockies
Father’s Day Necktie

Most of these fall under the category of "I know where I can get one of those right now." I can get a Lincecum shirsey. I can get a Giants necktie. I will be happy to accept one as a gift with the purchase of a ticket to watch Mike Morse, but I'm unlikely to purchase one specifically for the giveaway.

The only one I actively hate is the fedora, but only because I'm a grump.

EXPLOSIONS

Fri, April 11 - Rockies
Fireworks Night

Fri, June 13 - Rockies
Fireworks Night

Sat, June 14 - Rockies
Mad Bum Camo Cap

Will need to see the Mad Bum Camo Cap, but I'm cautiously optimistic. I don't hunt, but I do lurk in the occasional bush.

Will stab to obtain

Wed, April 9 - Diamondbacks
Hunter Pence Bobblehead

Fri, April 25 - Indians
Duane Kuiper Bobblehead

Sat, April 26 - Indians
1954 Replica World Series Ring

Sat, June 28 - Reds
1st 40,000 fans will receive a Brandon Belt OR a Brandon Crawford bobblehead

First, the Pence bobblehead. I see three options:

1. It's completely normal-looking and pleasant, which would be hilarious and desirable because of irony.

2. It doesn't look like him at all, yet it's completely off and strange, which would be hilarious and desirable because most bobbleheads are like this, but there's almost no way they were going to get this one right.

3. It looks just like Pence, and you get to keep it on your bed stand at night, with unfeeling, unblinking eyes gently moving back and forth with each step you take, each draft and gust of wind moving the head slightly, as the eyes follow you around the room while you brush your hair and get dressed.

I'm cool with any of the three, and it's my favorite promotion of the year. Also, I like how the Indians have to watch a ring ceremony that reminds them that they haven't won a World Series since the New York Giants existed. Not that I have anything against the Indians. I just like annoying other teams.

But that Pence bobblehead, man. And the Romo Super Hero Socks. Mostly the Pence bobblehead, though. I have never waited for a promotion more eagerly. What in the absolute heck is that thing going to look like?

Yeah, something like that. But unsettling.