The Giants and inevitable free agents

There are stupid rumors that go down like a bag of kettle corn. Just so stupid, so delicious, so bad for you, so good, can't stop.

Then there are rumors that are irredeemably awful. They're like the pack of silica gel in a bag of beef jerky. Don't eat that. Why would you eat that? Don't eat that.

This is one of the silica-gel rumors. From Jon Heyman:

However, it appears the Giants might at least consider looking at (Brian) McCann. They are said to have interest in a left-handed power bat, and the market is exteremly thin there.

Exteremly thin, everyone. Possibly as exterem as I've ever seen. Considering, though, this is the franchise that was completely unwilling to try Nate Schierholtz in center field for even one spring inning, I find it hard to believe they would sign a player to play first who has never played the position in his life.

Though I wonder if a 50/50 split between C/1B with McCann and Buster Posey would keep everyone's legs so fresh, they'd combine for 60 home runs. Yeah, wait, hold on for a sec ...

NO. Sorry. Got caught up with that stupid rumor for a second. I love dingers. But ain't no one in the world who loves dingers that much. Especially considering McCann would have eight homers playing half his games at AT&T Park.

So that's a bad rumor. At least it was unexpected, though. When you saw "Giants" and "McCann," your brain got a little exercise and stretched some muscles it wasn't used to stretching. If you can avert your eyes from a Posey/Cousins GIF, there's a post at MLB Daily Dish about why it makes a little sense (but not much).

The topic at hand, however, is about the rumors you are expecting. Over the last five years, whenever Jeff Francoeur was on the market, I quietly waited for the Giants to acquire him. It took a lot of patience, but finally our anti-dreams came true. Hooray?

The offseason between 2011 and 2012, we all kept waiting for the Ryan Ludwick news. Just kept waiting for that announcement. And once he missed his destiny with the Giants, I was sure he was going to win the NLDS. Baseball is usually stumbling around and yelling "It's 4:00 somewhere!" like that. Never happened, though.

So let's pick the expected free agent this year. It's a nice complement to the white-whale post. Let's look for the player who is almost guaranteed to be a G ...

Okay, it's Mike Morse. There's no reason to draw it out. The Giants want dingers; Morse hits dingers. The Giants don't want to pay too much for those dingers; Morse is on the discount table because he's pretty bad. He had a miserable year with the Mariners, and it's not like his fielding is getting better.

But, wait. What about Bronson Arroyo? He was already the answer to this question in August. He'll be a little expensive for the Giants' tastes, but he fits the Giants like a warbling glove. One of the reasons the Giants spent $35 million on Tim Lincecum is because they were scared they'd have to spend $60 million on a five-year deal for someone else. Arroyo is one of the few upgrades who probably wouldn't take a five-year deal. Teams generally don't offer long-term deals to old-timers like Arroyo, who'll be 37 next year. So I could see the Giants doubling-down on the Lincecum idea and giving up a lot of money for a short-term deal.

And what about Nate McLouth? Gets his uniform dirty, he does. He's a lefty, so he's not a very good match with Gregor Blanco, but he's at least as Giantsy as Morse.

Willie Bloomquist is on the market again. The Giants seem to have enough utility infielders, but none of them are Willie Bloomquist. I don't remember writing this, but here's what happened the last time Bloomquist was on the market. It was so violent, so hard to watch.

Now I'm not so sure it's Morse. Gimme some time.

Yeah, it's Morse. It's not just me who thinks this. He'll play left, Pagan will play center, and Pence will play right. It will be the greatest outfield collection of crazy eyes since the pre-Pittsburgh-trial teams of the '70s and '80s.

There's a poll!