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Top 5 Barry Bonds home runs where I'm picturing a writer's head as the baseball

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Note: I'm not really advocating violence, but I needed an excuse to post a bunch of videos

Ezra Shaw

Barry Bonds isn't in the Hall of Fame. This is a learning lesson for him, and to the other players who might consider doing performance-enhancing drugs in the future. If you do those performance-enhancing drugs, other players, you might earn tens of millions of dollars more in your career. And you might play better and win more games. But you might not earn the respect of the people who write about baseball for a living.

Think hard about that, players. The respect of writers. That's something you have to earn.

So here are some baseballs that Barry Bonds hit, and here's the different heads I'm pretending are in place of the baseballs.

5. The writer who covered the '98 home-run chase with a breathless reverence, but who now votes against everyone involved

Now that's some sweet, sweet cognitive dissonance. Where was your moralizing back then, you little intrepid Bob Woodwards? I went to spring training in 1999, and when my friend saw how big Bonds was, he turned to me and said, "Oh, man. I guess Barry wants to play the Sosa/McGwire game, too." Because we all kind of knew. We just weren't that concerned. My analogy would be the NFL at this exact moment.

Now look at you. Your head is a baseball, and it's going over the fence!.

4. The writers who want to punish Bonds and Clemens by leaving them off the ballot before voting for them next year

I don't get it. Your stance, I mean. So, should PED users be in or out? You can't have it both ways. By waiting a year to punish them, you're basically wearing a colored ribbon that you just invented. Good for you. That'll learn 'em.

It's too bad that you aren't even going to get a chance to vote next year, see as your DISEMBODIED HEAD IS RATTLING AROUND THE UPPER DECK OF OLD YANKEE STADIUM.

3. The writer who ignores that hundreds of baseball players in every era would have taken any advantage available to them

From Ball Four:

We've been running short of greenies. We don't get them from the trainer, because greenies are against club policy. So we get them from players on other teams who have friends who are doctors, or friends who know where to get greenies. One of our lads is going to have a bunch of greenies mailed to him by some of the guys on the Red Sox. And to think you can spend five years in jail for giving your friend a marijuana cigarette.

But that's totally different. Taking amphetamines to push your body past its normal limits at the expense of your own health is totally different than taking steroids to push your body past its normal limits at the expense of your own health. There just something about these specific players that's totally different from the players in any other era, and oh my god Barry Bonds just hit your head over the fence to beat the Dodgers and set a career milestone. I wasn't expecting that.

2. The writers who won't vote for guys who were suspected of PED use because they were all muscly, even if there's no other evidence

This doesn't have anything to do with Bonds, but it's still a repugnant class. Put down your junior detective's kit and vote on the evidence you have in front of you. Don't look at muscles. Lots of dudes had muscles.

But I guess it doesn't matter, as your heads are now bobbing serenely in the San Francisco Bay, waiting to get scooped up by an intrepid kayaker.

1. The writers responsible for the eight ballots who listed Roger Clemens but not Bonds

Seriously. What is wrong with these people? I'll tell you what's wrong: You're not supposed to hit a human head with a bat like that! What are you doing, Barry Bonds?!?!?!?!?!