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Diamondbacks/Giants Series Preview

A truncated series preview because no one reads these things if they have to do it on their own time. My stupid jokes work only when they're backed by the threat of a supervisor's reprimand. The sense of danger adds to the lulz.

Five things of note with relation to the Arizona Diamondbacks:

1. Get used to them
The Giants still have a lot of games left. The Giants don't play another game outside the NL West. Both of those things are true, which means they have way, way too many games against the NL West. In order: Diamondbacks, Dodgers, Rockies, Diamondbacks, Rockies, Padres, Diamondbacks, Padres, Dodgers. It looks like I made that up. I did not.

The team that shows up most on the schedule for the rest of the season: the Diamondbacks. So pull up a chair and be glad their fans don't do anything stupid like "The Valley Hiss", which would be a version of the Tomahawk Chop, but with more hissing.

2. They're probably out of it
They're 6.5 games behind three teams for the second Wild Card. They're 10.5 behind the Giants for first in the NL West. It would take a Cardinals/Rays-like run from last year to even make it interesting, and they probably should have started that over the weekend.

3. They have young pitching up the yinger
They have the kind of young pitching that makes you want to make up new terms. Young pitching up the walspum. Young pitching up the lanceboil.

I was focused on Trevor Bauer before the season started, worried about him coming up with his Lincecummy mechanics and made-up pitches and dominating. Instead, he's been a disappointment initially. Plus he's been embroiled in scandal, with news coming out that he listens to crappy metal and records his own crappy hip-hop. He's exactly 84 percent less interesting than he seemed to be when he was uploading slow-motion videos of him throwing shuutos and dropsy-dos.

But he was just the shiniest young pitcher. The Diamondbacks had so danged much, and they were all close to the majors. I had no idea. They have Patrick Corbin, Tyler Skaggs, and Wade Miley already in the majors, all of whom are excellent young pitchers. That's apart from Bauer, and it also doesn't include the young pitchers who are already established, like Trevor Cahill and Ian Kennedy. When Daniel Hudson comes back from Tommy John surgery, maybe they'll make him a third baseman.

4. Justin Upton is having a down year
Jason Kubel bit him on the neck or something. Upton's average is fine (.271), as is his on-base percentage (.350), but his power went away for some reason. He has only 12 home runs, which would only rank second on the Giants.

Hopefully the Diamondbacks trade him for a bushel of prospects this offseason, none of whom pan out, because I'm still entranced by his natural ability. He'll still win an MVP one of these seasons. This reminds me of the season Matt Kemp hit .249/.310/.450.

5. Paul Goldschmidt will hit a home run off Tim Lincecum in this series
Don't ask how. I know Lincecum doesn't pitch in this series. That's the joke. It's a bad joke. But it was the best way to express my annoyance that Goldschmidt exists. Where did he come from? We need at least two years of top-prospectdom to worry about before a guy comes up and harasses our favorite team. It's not fair to bring up a guy straight from Double-A and have him do this.

(Also, I kind of like watching Goldschmidt hit. Just not against the Giants.)