A Surprise Visit From an Old Friend

That was a crazy college boyfriend or girlfriend, showing up after a lengthy absence, wanting to get back into your life.

Them: I promise. I won't hack into your e-mail and see who you're still in touch with. I won't use a key-logging program to get your Facebook password and de-friend all of your exes.

You: Uhh.

The Giants scored a run for Matt Cain. It's been over a year since the Giants were shut out in a Matt Cain start -- May 29, 2011. It's been an entire calendar year. It's been almost two months since they scored just a single run for him. Doesn't feel like it. It almost feels like Cain gets cained every cainday. But you know that's not the case. He's been winning. The Giants have been scoring for him. It's been a while.

Them: I promise, that whole thing where I would passive-aggressively complain about your best friend, and when you called me on it, I'd say, "Nothing. Nothing"? I'm over that. I've learned a lot.

You: Uhhh.

The Giants hit some balls hard tonight. A few of them. They found gloves. The Giants got runners in scoring position tonight. They were all stranded. They were 0-for-goddammitstopthat with runners in scoring position.

Them: It looks like your initials. I can totally see that. It looks like I carved your initials into my arm. The dermatologist was like, hey, that's weird. But it's just a coincidence.

You: Uhhhh.

You know what Matt Cain's problem was tonight? He was pitching. He was throwing a baseball from 60 feet, six inches away, and he missed a couple of times. He hung this, or kept that up, or left that over the plate. He did it a few times -- five, six, whatever. That's because he was pitching. We've become so use to this freak streak of shutouts, that's it's more than a little weird to watch a pitcher be a normal pitcher.

Them: Look, I'm not going to lie. Your mom was excited when I called her and told her we were back together. She was worried about you. If you don't want to get back together, that's fine. But you're the one who will have to tell your mom.

You: Uhhhhh.

I remember that game. I've watched that game over and over and over for the last two years. It has a unique musk, a sound, a feel -- it's something you never forget. That kind of game doesn't leave your subconscious. That used to be the default Giants loss. Remember? When the Giants were going bad, that's how they'd lose every game. Cain gettin' cained, and never the cain shall meet.

Them: Can I borrow some money? It's a long story.

You: Uhhhhhh.

So let's go to sleep tonight and think, man, I'm sure glad that crap is out of my life. Because I don't want any part of that again. I've been there. I remember that. It was miserable. Things have been going well lately. That crap back there? Oh, hell no. I don't need to deal with that again. I'm over that.

I'm over that. Go away, horrible archetype of a Giants loss. Go away.

(At least the Dodgers got shut out again.)

(lulz)