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The Santiago Casilla Instructional Hitting Video (Vol. I)

Apologies for the image-heavy post, but there's really no other way to give the proper amount of respect to something this important. Santiago Casilla took an at-bat last night. It was the second of his career. And though his career on-base percentage dropped to .500, he did make contact for the first time. You might be wondering how. Santiago Casilla will show you how.

Tom Emanski: Okay Santiago, we're almost ready for you. This is going to be a part of tape #9, which is a part of our pitching series, and …

phone rings

Emanski: Hold on, let me grab that.

Emanski exits, talking on the phone. Casilla motions to the director to start recording

Santiago Casilla: Santiago Casilla has more to offer the children of today than instructions on how to pitch. You do not need to know how Santiago Casilla pitches. First step: Throw 95 miles per hour. You cannot. So you have wasted Santiago's time and your own money. You are a stupid child.

But if you are interested in learning the ways of how Santiago Casilla swings the bat, we have much to discuss. Santiago would be honored to teach you what he has learned. The first step is to approach the plate

The white lines are enchanted -- lines of demarcation designed to contain your power. You must bend the rules of these white lines. Make them work for you. Stand on them until they beg for mercy.

And then you must intimidate the pitcher.

Do not let him think that you are an ordinary hitter. Let him feel your gaze. You cannot see it in this frame, but the pitcher is silently mouthing the words "Please, no, Santiago. I have a family." This is too bad for not-Santiago.

Note that the first pitch is often designed to kill you. This would solve many problems for not-Santiago. So you must remain vigilant. When the pitch is halfway to the plate, you must flee.

There are some who call this cowardly. They do not understand the sport. You cannot win a battle if you do not live to its conclusion. Santiago watched a documentary once called Phantasm, in which the ball had all manner of knifes and drills sticking out of it. You must remember the pitcher is scared and willing to try anything.

Once you have ascertained that the ball does not have knives and drills sticking out of it, you must turn around and get the sign from your third-base coach.

You are powerful, but you are also a team player. You need the sign to determine exactly how you are going to crush your opponent.

In Santiago's world, the third-base coaches wear masks because they are scared of my power and of getting hit in the face. This sign means the coach is calling for Tectonic Vertical Engagement C-13. This is the swing Santiago is teaching you children now.

You need an open stance, leaving your sternum exposed, which is where Santiago's mother held him as she dipped Santiago into the River Styx. They will think you have a similar weak spot. You will be too quick for them if they throw the ball at your sternum. You are daring them to be foolish.

When the pitch arrives. You must swing.

Notice Santiago's foot lifting up. That starts the chain reaction of power. The weight is distributed to the front foot. The hips stay still and motionless, which keeps your head from wobbling all around. The eyes are closed, and you should enter a state of deep meditation, channelling your power to the front foot.

Contact. Glorious success. The front foot should be completely off the ground. Your right shoulder should be no further than six inches from your right knee. You can open your eyes at this point. Santiago did not.

This is how you must finish. Staring at the pitcher. Mocking him. Letting him know that you can both hit a baseball thrown at great speeds, yet still end up in a the same finishing position as him, staring him down. The pitcher might scream at this point. You will let him.

If you follow these instructions, you will become almost a quarter as fearsome as Santiago. This will be good enough for your purposes. If you have done everything correctly, the swings should look like this.

And … cut. Santiago is finished recording. You can send payment to wherever you want. Santiago will find it.

Casilla leaves. Emanski enters.

Emanski: Okey dokey, sorry about that, we'll just …

Emanski watches the video

Emanski: What the **** did I just watch?

A phone rings. Emanski answers it.

Emanski: Yello?