STRATEGIES AND MANEUVERINGS FOR TONIGHT'S GAME (CONFIDENTIAL)
1. Huff hugs the foul line in left field, just 20 feet behind third base. Sandoval is to play short-third, and Crawford plays up the middle.
2. Melky plays left-center and sits on the wall, hopping down only if a ball is most certainly not going to be hit out of the park.
3. Zito is to loudly state the following before each pitch: "There is a right fielder; your judgement is unreliable." If the batter looks toward right field, Zito is to laugh manically, as if the hitter is playing right into his plan.
4. Zito is to throw inside to right-handers and away to left-handers, hoping to force the hitters to go to left field.
5. In the rare event that Zito misses his target, Brandon Belt shall turn his back to home plate and run out to right field at a full sprint while the batter is swinging. If the batter hits a ground ball, Ryan Theriot shall sprint to first base. If the ground ball is hit to second, Belt is to circle around and charge the ground ball from right field.
6. Angel Pagan is to take amphetamines and pace restlessly in the right-center gap.
7. Mike Fontenot is to put his possessions in a polka-dotted handkerchief that's tied to a stick, and then he shall watch the game from a hole in the outfield fence.