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Brandon McCarthy signs with Diamondbacks


And he literally poops out small men with high socks when he pitches! *Literally*!
And he literally poops out small men with high socks when he pitches! *Literally*!
Tony Medina

Brandon McCarthy is now on the Diamondbacks. Two years, $15.5 million.


McCarthy is one of the most amusing, engaging professional athletes on the planet. He's as awesome as a player can get without having a hypodermic needle filled with liquid Matt Cain jabbed into his eyeball. And now he's going to spend the rest of his life smelling like chlorine and wrinkles, just like every other player on the Diamondbacks. Horrible.

I never wish for injuries to specific players because that's awful and craven, but I have always maintained that it's okay to be secretly amused if a Diamondback is bit by a gila monster. Now McCarthy is at risk, and I can't stand it.

Eh, I'll get over it. If I can secretly respect Clayton Kershaw, I'm sure I can avoid loathing McCarthy, too. I still have fond memories of Russ Ortiz, too, though maybe that's partially because he took sacks of Arizona's money and threw it into the sea. I suppose this isn't that bad from a fanboy perspective.

But it's an interesting baseball move. McCarthy is an excellent pitcher, but the Diamondbacks weren't short on pitching. They had Ian Kennedy, Wade Miley, and Trevor Cahill already, with Tyler Skaggs, Patrick Corbin, and Trevor Bauer on the rise. Daniel Hudson will come back at some point, too. Baseball has a way of turning seven pitchers into four because it's a jerk, but it's not as if the rotation was a prominent flaw of the 2012 Diamondbacks.

My guess: A trade's coming. One of the Skaggs/Corbin/Bauer troika is going to go, probably to the Indians for Asdrubal Cabrera. Or maybe there will be three- or four-team madness, with Mike Olt and Wil Myers coming back to the Diamondbacks for Justin Upton and a young pitcher. MAYBE THEY'RE GOING TO GET MIKE TROUT.

Okay, hold on a second. Breathe into this paper bag. But I think the Diamondbacks are about to do something big. And this cements what I've been thinking all offseason, which is that the Diamondbacks are the scariest competition the Giants have in the N.L. West. I suppose it's wise to see what they do with Upton before getting too dramatic, but look at their roster. Look at the lineup. There might not be an Ted Williamses or Randy Johnsons in there, but it's a roster bereft of holes. It's really impressive.

Of course, they had a lot of that roster last year ...

Still, I'm not looking forward to playing 63 games against the Diamondbacks next season. Quite a few of those games will feature one Brandon McCarthy, who used to be one of my favorite non-Giants. Alas, he's now a rival. And not only is he pretty good, but he can allow the Diamondbacks to get other good players.

I'll just watch this 48 times and wait for the rest of the offseason now: