So it's come to this: the remaining need for the Giants

Finally, a rumor about the Giants signing a player who wasn't on the World Series roster. He's not someone we're used to. He's new and exciting and fresh and hip. Finally! I can't wait.

But before I reveal who this exciting free agent is, let me pause to note that the offseason is about to get really, really boring. The Giants might add another reliever. I think I saw the name "Mark Lowe" out there, but I think the computer auto-generated it. Other than that, there's a chance -- a decent chance -- the only moves the Giants make will be really, really minor.

That's okay. Because think of the alternate dimension in which alternate you is having an alternate meltdown.

Rosenthal: Cain met w/Angels, heard deal could top Sabathia's

Source: Giants offer 8 yr deal to Cain with two player options. Dodgers could come over top.

Dodgers saying that both Cain and Greinke are in play and it's not an either/or situation

And you'd have to sit there and take it. There would be tweets about "Heard from a source close to Cain that he's always wanted to pitch in LA" and "Cain still might return, but right now he feels disrespected by #Giants." There would be tweets like, "Heard Giants could do a sign-and-trade with Cain that could bring back Vernon Wells", and even though that's not allowed under the rules, you would still worry about it for a week. After the Winter Meetings, you would look like Christian Bale in The Machinist. Don't google that.

So roll around in this quiet. Savor it. Break a piece off and store it in the back of the freezer. Because your day could have been spent wondering about the Dodgers and Matt Cain and Matt Cain and the Dodgers.

I'm so excited by the lack of excitement, that I'm now excited about the most exciting rumor of the offseason:

Agent John Boggs spoke w/#SFGiants about FA Ben Francisco. Possible platoon with Gregor Blanco in LF? 15 HRs in both '08, '09.

— John Shea (@JohnSheaHey) December 5, 2012

Yessssss.

See, the Giants need a right-handed outfield bat. They need the idea of Xavier Nady, but in the form of someone who actually hits lefties well. Ben Francisco, coming off a season in which he posted a negative WAR for three different teams, is probably pretty motivated. More importantly, he's cheap. He could be the lefty masher that ...

Dammit. He's just like Nady, right down to the clankmittery. He cost the Astros something like a full win with his glove, and he played only 26 games with them. He doesn't even hit lefties especially well. This isn't fun.

There you go! That's what the Giants need. Get a guy like that, glue him to Gregor Blanco, and the offseason is done! To whom do those mystery stats belong?

Damn straight you don't get a Facebook like.

I actually had a dream the Giants signed Hairston to a four-year deal. No joke. That was followed by a dream where I opened a used-book store in Bozeman and let my MLB.tv subscription lapse. I was awake for that dream. That's what dreaming about Scott Hairston does to you.

We're at the point now, though, where we have to accept that the player whom makes the most sense for the Giants based on cost, need, and availability, is Scott Hairston. Hey, if you sign him away from another NL team, he's already worth 1 WAR because he won't crush an extra-innings home run against the Giants next year.

Shane Victorino would have caused the end of the world. Hairston is more like a nasty case of indigestion, mostly because the Giants can really, really use him. If his name were Scoop Handstand, you would have already written about how the Giants needed him. Instead, he comes with a history and a piece of your soul.

I'm on Team Hairston. We eat raw egret and smear the blood on our faces as we howl at the full moon over here on Team Hairston. Won't you join us? C'mon, just a bite.