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Should the Giants get Andres Torres back?

Ezra Shaw

This is probably the most obvious column in the world. You've basically logged on to a Twilight blog, and the most recent post is titled "Tyler Lautner Is at the Mall Today … Should I Go Meet Him?" If you have to ask the question, what's the point of your whole stupid blog?

So, yes. The answer to the question posed in the headline is yes. A million times yes. Andres Torres is probably going to be a free agent. Just tell me where to mail the flowers for Andres, and I'll do it. Does he need a place to crash? My place only half-smells like wet cat, and the sofa is good sleeping for people under six feet. What's it going to take, Andres?

This is obviously driven by emotion. For one, the Mets and their fans never appreciated Andres Torres because they are horrible people. This is probably payback for all the nasty things we said about Edgardo Alfonzo, but this is different. This is Andres Torres. not some decrepit no-hit flunky. Here are some of the nasty things Mets fans said about Torres in the comments of Amazin' Avenue:

Torres is so bad he made Pagan look like Matt Holliday.

He’s a player that can run, play defense, and now take a walk, but he still isn’t good. That’s the player you're endorsing. Andres Torres.

I hope Fred Lewis gets a call-up, would be nice to see him in CF vs. righties instead of Adam Dunn, sorry, I mean Andres Torres.

OH GOD WHAT WAS THAT LAST ONE JUST STOP. We'll just have to take him back. It's like selling a mint, in-the-box, vinyl-cape Jawa at a garage sale, and the guy buying it says he's going to take it out of the box and give it to his six-month old to chew on. What do you do in that situation? You hand back the cash and take the damn toy back, that's what you do.

Also, it's kind of a stretch to suggest Torres was mint and in the box, but stay with me.

Now that we've got the emotion out of the way, I suppose it wouldn't kill us to look for the logic. This is the best part: It actually makes sense. I'd rather have Torres -- even the weak-hitting version from the last two years -- off the bench than Xavier Nady or Justin Christian. He would be a perfect fourth or fifth outfielder -- a switch-hitter with speed and defense in center. And the Giants can use a fifth outfielder. Heck, they could use a second outfielder. Right now, it's a Blanco-Brown-Pence outfield according to MLB Depth Charts. But I'll assume that the team will sign or trade for a center fielder.

Oh, man, it's totally going to be Shane Victorino. Then he'll meet Torres in the clubhouse, shake hands, and cause a rift in the space-time continuum. They'll cancel out each other's existence, and 2010 will have never happened. This is horrible. Maybe signing Torres isn't worth the risk, after all.

But the Giants will be in the market for a final outfielder. Maybe they'll want the lefty-masher that Nady was supposed to be, and the rest of the bench will be filled with infield-types. Or maybe the Giants sign two outfielders, which puts Blanco back on the bench and makes Torres redundant. In those scenarios, Torres might not make a lot of sense. In the rest of the scenarios, though, he makes all kinds of sense. He shouldn't start anymore. He probably won't get a chance to start. So in this new, fourth-outfielder role of his, why wouldn't the Giants want him?

I guess there are other scenarios. He might have shared a straw with Jason Bay in the Mets' clubhouse, and he might be infectious. There could be an as-yet-unreported feud between Torres and Angel Pagan, kind of like when ex-spouses get all weird around the new spouses. But if Brad Penny and Barry Zito can avoid fighting to prove who's the boss, I'm sure Pagan and Torres would chum up pretty quickly.

This isn't the first move the Giants should make this offseason. This is the last move of the offseason. If another team wants to promise him a starting role, well, best of luck, Andres. If another team wants to pounce on him before the Giants can get their starting outfield in place, same thing. But if it's January, and the Giants are basically done with 23 or 24 spots spoken for on the projected roster, how's about Andres Torres?

I suppose I could have saved time and linked to this video, explaining that "If you replace 'Corky' with 'Andres Torres', this is how I feel." Or, in GIF form, just pretend he's saying "Torres":